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7 Simple Secrets to Pimping a Male (or female)!

(Photo via icedoutgear.com)

I wrote this a while back but never really sent it around. Ballers excel at this stuff, so I thought it might be a good place to repost this to help ladies understand how to Pimp these dudes out here. There are 7 Secrets to Pimpin:

Men always date more than one girl at a time. ALWAYS. They never put all their eggs in one basket until they’ve consciously made a choice. That’s how so many women get confused thinking they are in a relationship with a man when really they are just dating or chilling or some other term men use to describe a situation in which the woman is giving way more than they are.

I have been criticized, admired, praised, and questioned on my ability to date like a man. The female biology is different from the male’s…men can physically love’em and leave’em. But women can’t do this. Samantha on Sex in the City? Yeah, that was a CHARACTER. That ain’t real life. In fact, most women are intimate with men because they crave intimacy and affection NOT because “it” is so good. So it’s 1000 times more difficult for us to date in multiples.


You have in your little lady fingers,

J Danielle’s 7 Secrets To Pimpin’
[pimpin’ ain’t easy… PIMPIN’ IS SIMPLE!]

I have always hung around a lot of men, and contrary to what many believe, men are not stupid and they are not simple. They love to claim ignorance so they can be excused from meeting our needs. As a female one-of-the-guys, I know the truth. Men are just as complicated as women with triple the emotion bottled up inside. They are longing to be in a relationship but the pressure to do so doesn’t hang over their heads like a dark cloud because no one rushes them. Still, the similarities between sexes outweigh the differences.
Men are so much like women, we can excel using the same pimpin techniques they use on us. I am a witness. I am listing the techniques below, everywhere you see the word X insert a man or woman’s name.

This is step one in the grooming process. Nobody likes harlots, manwhores, scrubs, crazies, stalkers etc. and you may be none of these things, but the more you share of yourself the more impressions can built. One story about a declined credit card now has X thinking you can’t pay your bills. Next thing you know, you are lonely on a Saturday night and X won’t pick up the phone!
That’s why mystery is important. When pimpin’, don’t stay on the phone with your victim too long, 10 minutes or less is a general rule for all conversations. When you call, never leave a voice message, make them wonder what you wanted. When they call, don’t answer it but call them right back. Now X will wonder what you were just doing…don’t tell them. And don’t make up anything, avoid the subject altogether. They should wonder why you don’t want them in your business.
Never talk on the phone or text while you’re with one of your conquests. 1. It’s very rude-even for a pimp. And 2. You may end up divulging information in a personal conversation that is not to your benefit for X to know. Speaking of giving up the tapes, never ever divulge whether you are seeing other people, how many people you’ve slept with or when your last relationship was. These are not relevant to the pimp-victim dynamic.
Block X from your facebook wall. X does not need to follow conversations with your friends. X is not your friend, they are your victim. But, do allow X to view your photos. X should see you as a fun person that hangs around people that they know nothing about…they should wonder if you’ve dated any of the people in your photos and where you met all of them. If they ask about the photos…

This is key. If you do something totally wrong, such as tell X that you are coming over say you are coming over that night, then don’t show up or call to cancel, act like it’s no big deal. Call them the next day and have a normal conversation i.e. Hey, what’s up with you? X will be confused and hurt. This is easier for women to do because most men are too proud to ask why you didn’t come over last night. This is the trickiest one for men.
Men are emotionally crippled by society’s constant urging of them to be strong and unrelenting propensity for accusing them of being gay when they accidentally raise their hand the wrong way. This is why men do stuff like tell X that they are coming over that night, then don’t show up or call to cancel, and then act like it’s no big deal. Men don’t like to hear women hem and haw. If X is a girl and she says “why you ain’t come over last night…?” First, act confused, then say “Ohhhh yeahhhh last night, oh man, last night was crazy… yeah, I ‘m Sor— (let your voice fade so I’m sorry becomes inaudible).” Do not say why last night was crazy, let X come up with her own story in her mind that you shall never confirm nor deny.
Downplaying is important because people THINK they like drama-free individuals so this makes you more desirable. If you lose your job, just tell X that you’re not worried about it. If X sees you being cozy with another person, and inquires about who the person is, just say “Man, it ain’t even like that…” Be mindful, down playing things typically requires you to…

After you tell X that there is no way they saw what they thought they saw, you should accuse them of being all the things you are…a liar, a cheat, a ho, a freak, a jerk, disrespectful…just don’t be harsh with it. Say things like “I feel like you’re always so jealous….” Or “Why you always coming with the drama, I’m just tyring to chill and be happy…” It’s important to blame this all on X and their anti-happiness even though you know that there is no way they misinterpreted the situation or did anything wrong. But remember, you are pimping here, not trying to better society.
IF X asks you to take them somewhere around people, you should accuse them of “acting funny” to get out of it. If you know there is an event coming up that you simply can’t hide from them, such as a mutual friend’s wedding or your fraternity’s annual cookout for the homeless, pretend that they have a chance, then pick a fight with them roughly 9 days prior to the event. That should be enough lead time to cover your ass. But how do you get them back??

(photo via parduephotos)

No I don’t have this backwards. Before you pick a fight to prevent X from doesn’t try to accompanying you to wherever it is that you don’t want to be seen with them (basically anywhere outside of THEIR house), be really sweet and nice the days before. This helps you cover all of the first 4 secrets. X won’t know why you freaked out all of a sudden therefore you remain mysterious. When you call X, you will act like nothing ever happened…and if X confronts you on this issue, you can use reverse psychology and blame the whole thing on them. You can end that conversation by reminding them of how “good things were going” before they started “acting funny.”

But what if X gets fed up with all of this?
Well, typically, if you play your cards right, they won’t…but, men, being the clever creatures they are, have devised 2 secrets to keeping someone lingering who, if they were smarter or wiser or read this blog regularly would know to leave their PIMPtail alone.
What are the 2 secrets to keeping a fed-up victim lingering?

If X doesn’t call you after you ditch them for the event, or whatever other messed up thing you did, call them and pretend to be jealous. Tell them that you heard they were messin with Tay-Tay (Tayshawn or Tawanda). Tell them that Keisha told you. Don’t worry about Keisha, nobody likes her because she talks too much. Tell X that they probably were acting funny because they been kicking it with someone else.
See, two pimps can’t pimp each other. So it’s important that you, as the real PIMP ensure that you are the only one seeing other people. You have to stay in X’s thoughts. Or else, you risk losing one of your backups to another PIMP.
If X gets really wise, you have to take things to the next level. Men do this allll the time. In fact, some of them do it before the woman even shows signs of wearing thin.

Accuse X of wanting too much, and tell them that you are the only one who will tolerate their demands—even though they haven’t demanded anything. Or, tell them that there’s 932340304932809483209843290843092 other people who would LOVE to be in their spot. Any valid concerns expressed by X should be dismissed as “bringing drama.” That way X feels confused which leads to them feeling bad. See first secret, NO ONE likes someone who brings drama (so they say). This is HIGHLY effective for both men and women, because women have been accused of being nags so much in relationships that a man accusing you of making his life difficult is the ultimate wound. Since most women give more than men anyway, it’s also insulting. That’s a good thing, remember, two words: emotional abuse. It’s effective for men, because men do not want to be accused of showing feminine characteristics, even though, as I stated before, basically we are all the same.
Except men can do this without getting tired or having to write it all out.
They have it stored in their memory banks.
Meanwhile, I am exhausted.
The 7th and final rule of PIMPING is my favorite:

X might be a fun person…they may like to go to poetry readings and karaoke or they might even like to ride motorcycles and play video games. But these activities are much too much fun for a PimpinVictim! If X even suggests the two of you do anything remotely ‘fun’ you should immediately suggest watching a movie at THEIR house, that way you can immediately get up and leave once you start getting comfortable. A true pimp cuts out the fun factor from Day 1, that way there is no chance of ever becoming attached to this boring person who does nothing but watch movies. In fact, if you look at them long enough you can picture them sitting on the couch 20 years from now fat and whining about how you never cook. Surely, that will keep you from falling for them.
And never make a habit of letting your Conquests spend the night. This is where most pimpstresses get a FAIL. It’s so hard for us women to detach. But you have to…nay, you MUST. Sharing a bed with someone is the most intimate thing you can do. Michael Jackson said this, and truer words were never spoken…by him. “French” kissing outside the bedroom, hand-holding, and spooning are on the Pimp No-fly List. Try any of those, and a PIMP will make an emergency landing so you can go’head and hop off the plane. But most PIMPs don’t let you fly out of their airport anyway, in fact all baggage inspections, ticket retrievals, and strip-searches should be conducted at X’s place of business, or else, it’s a no-go. A PIMP needs to be free to move about the country like Southwest.

If you follow all 7 rules with at least 3 different people at the same time for a minimum of 2 month, you will achieve PIMP status.


Where my pimps at?

(Do this too long and this is how you end up)

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  1. I’m a guy, and I have never dated more than one woman at a time. I have guy friends who are the same as me on this.
    There are plenty of guys who just play the field and never commit, and from what you wrote it sounds like you don’t know any other kind.
    But you’re wrong to think that men always date more than one woman at a time. I have always been a one woman man.

  2. That was pretty dumb. A girl can never be happy unless they have a strong man. Pimping isnt for girls. Plus all a women has to do is really just use sex control and be emotional to see if the guy will put up with it. So basically do what women already do. And if men do these suggestions you have made, then theyre just abusing the control that they have. The ideal situation is always that the guy leads and takes care of the women without abusing her while she feels safe and taken care of by a man worth following.

  3. i am a guy and i want to be pimped out. i dream of domionate woman so i show my devotion to the vigina by acting submissive

  4. Chile, you just saved my life!

    I had fallen so hard this dude but couldn’t understand why, when he treated me the way he did.

    Mind-fuckery 101!

    God bless you

  5. Lol. Ko zva Tawanda zvabvepi? Kwaana wanzwaa!

  6. I married a pimp and now I’m miserable

    • Girl… my babydaddy is a pimp im miserable too. Idont have anybody to talk about this with. I feel like the dumbest woman alive for being with a pimp.

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