Much like coffee, reality TV, and chocolate, Baller Alert’s Groupie Tales, are a guilty pleasure we can’t help but love. Maybe it’s the uncensored details, or stretched truths, that enthrall us, but there is definitely something captivating about a celebrity hookup “tell-all”. From the time the girl tells us how she meets in his club section one random night, to the magical night cap, we are hanging on to every word, trying to figure out what happens next; Does he kick her out? Was the sex good?
And while that’s entertainment enough, have you ever thought about what a groupie tale would sound like from the Baller’s perspective; like a Baller Tale? Would it be as magical? As wonderful (or bad) as she made it sound?
I decided it’d be cool to find out, so I caught up with K-Camp (@Kcamp427), a well known baller and groupie connoisseur; to decode these groupie tales, and see how these run-ins work from a ballers perspective.
The Meet-Up: This is the part of the Groupie Tale, where the girl tells us about how he spotted her across the club, she somehow snuck in his section, or he shot her a DM on Insta, and they hit it off. K camp agrees with this part of the story, admitting most groupies are picked because they are in the section looking good as hell, or they’ve made themselves visible another way, like having 100k followers. So, no real differences between Groupie perspective and Baller perspective thus far.
The Arrival: There are a select few who claim to have a very intimate arrival; painting a scene of deep conversation, glasses of champagne, and sunsets. And while I don’t believe a man is putting in that much effort for a girl he met an hour ago, I’m not a baller, so I asked Kcamp how he handles “the arrival”. For him, once said groupie arrives, via Uber, van, or her own vehicle, he’s the type of baller who skips the small talk and gets straight to business; using Marshawn Lynch’s “you know why I’m here” approach. So maybe there are unicorns, flying pigs, and ballers who romance their groupies, but not as often as you think.
The Sex: Now this is either hit or miss from a Groupies perspective; some say their baller goes all out and gives them the best sexual experience ever, while some say he barely tries and its an absolute bust. I wish there was a standard, however sex is specific to each Baller, and can’t be generalized; for Kcamp specifically, he says there are definitely tricks and methods he won’t use for just anyone, but overall “They all get the same pipe”. I also asked him what would make for bad sex from a ballers perspective, considering all the groupie tales we’ve read about miniature penises, bad breath, and no rhythm. Mr. Camp said most all ballers will agree that, the use of teeth, bad body odor, and weird conversation during sex, are all deal breakers.
The After-Math: After-sex, the groupie is either kicked out, or she’s allowed to stay the night, before Uber (uber black if it was good enough) retrieves her the next morning. The groupies that are allowed to stay the night, most often read too much into it, and can’t wait to tell us how her staying the night means she’s well on her way to becoming his Mrs. However, KCamp said from a ballers perspective, that’s not at all why groupies are allowed to spend the night. When and if they do stay the night, it’s likely because he is too tired the night before to make transportation accommodations; Not because he wants to cuddle, or watch her in a peaceful somber.
Baller Tales, wouldn’t be nearly as juicy and intriguing as Groupie Tales which is why I’ll always be addicted to exaggerated truths, bizarre sex stories, and embarrassing moments. However, S/o to Kcamp for coming through sharing the Baller’s side, and decoding