Spice Girls member Mel B is releasing her autobiography soon and in an exclusive excerpt from the book, she goes into very vivid detail about what really happened in 2014, when she tried to take her own life during a live “X Factor” show. That night she showed up visibly bruised and without her wedding ring for symbolic reasons.
“Here I am, 39 years of age, staring in a mirror in the en-suite bathroom of my rented house in Kensington, London, holding an open bottle of aspirin from the stash I’ve stockpiled over the years, putting one pill after another into my mouth,” the excerpt read.
“As each pill goes into my mouth, I ask myself: ‘Are you sure?’ And I take another one. Ten, 20, 50, 100. ‘Are you sure?’ It’s Thursday night. 11 December 2014. I’ve come back from dinner with my husband, Stephen. Tomorrow I’m going to ‘The X Factor.’ It will be the red-carpet launch for the final weekend. I’ll be wearing a beautiful dress, my hair and make-up will be perfect. But if you want the absolute truth, I don’t care about any of it. My life is a mess and I want out.”
“One hundred and 20. ‘Are you sure?’ 150. ‘Are you sure?’
Behind the glitter of fame, I felt emotionally battered, estranged from my family. I felt ugly and detested by the very man who once promised to love and protect me, my husband and manager Stephen. A man who after ten years of marriage now had a library of sex tapes that could — as we both well knew — ruin my career and destroy my family.”
“I wrote frantic, disjointed notes for Phoenix, my eldest daughter, my soulmate — the girl who is a little sister, friend, and daughter to me.
It was going to be up to her to get my other little girls, Angel and Madison, to Leeds where they could all live with my mum. In my head, in that moment, it was that simple.
Two hundred. ‘Now what’s going to happen, Melanie? STOP!’ As soon as I’d swallowed that last pill, I knew I didn’t want to go anywhere. ‘Melanie! What the f**k are you doing? Get a grip!’ Suicide was not the answer. I had to make my life count. I had to get to a hospital. I had to get those pills out of my stomach before anything happened.”
“My head was spinning. All I thought was that I needed to get out of the room but for some reason, the door was jammed.
I can’t clearly remember what happened next but I remember throwing myself at the door, crashing my full weight against it.
Those bruises on my face and shoulder everyone saw at ‘The X Factor’ final three days later, most of them were caused by those moments trapped in that doorway.
I can’t remember the pain but I can still remember the fear, panic and absolute confusion in my head.
Then everything started to go black and I collapsed to my knees. I could feel the life in me starting to drain away. And then nothing, silence. I lay semi-conscious on the bathroom floor and, with tears streaming down my face, drifting in and out of consciousness, waited to die.”
Mel B’s tell-all memoir will be available on November 27th.