Ending The Cycle: Dealing With Domestic Violence

As a domestic violence survivor, I have heard it all. Why did you let it happen? Why didn’t you just leave? Dealing with domestic violence is easy when you’re on the outside looking in. Nothing is as easy as it seems. 1.3 million- that is the number of women who become victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. That’s 1.3 million families being destroyed, 1.3 million broken relationships, and 1.3 million obliterated self images. Domestic Violence in the United States is becoming all too common with ¼ women experiencing some form of domestic violence in their lifetime. Intimate partner violence is destroying homes across the country, and instead of getting better its becoming increasingly worse. In a number of cases, the victim has no idea they are being abused. Unlike a tornado siren or a car beeping its horn before it hits you, there is no warning with abuse. It just happens. In the beginning the relationship may seem perfect, but after a while an abuser’s actions will be revealed. Some abusers become jealous when the attention is not solely on them, some will want to control your finances, and some abusers will even hinder you from working or furthering your education in efforts to gain total and complete control over you. The ultimate goal of the abuser is to make you feel useless, helpless, and less than. It’s a nasty cycle that has to end.

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence can be described in various ways.

• PHYSICAL: punching, hitting, pulling hair…Etc
• EMOTIONAL: putting you down, telling you anything you do is not good enough
• SEXUAL: making you perform unwanted sexual acts or continuing sexual acts when you have already said no
• FINANCIAL: controlling your spending, your paycheck, and all of your money transactions
• SEXUAL COERCION: gaining your consent to have sex without force through deceitful tactics and manipulation

Domestic Violence & You

While domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, gender, or sexual orientation 85% of domestic violence victims are women, and those age 20-24 are at the greatest risk of being involved in nonfatal intimate partner violence. It can occur at any stage of a relationship, although it does not tend to happen early on in the relationship. The violence usually starts off as silent and subtle actions that you may or may not notice, and gradually surfaces and intensifies into a physical circumstance. But as the saying goes, a leopard cannot change its spots, so even if they are well hidden these actions will always come to light if your significant other possesses them.

YOUR CHILDREN

As a parent it is your job to protect your child (ren) from harm. According to the domestic violence website www.thehotline.org, if you are being abused, there is a 30-60% chance that your partner will also abuse the children. Even in the event that the children are unharmed, just by witnessing violence between parents is the strongest risk factor of continuing a violent cycle from one generation to the next. Keeping a child in such a unhealthy environment can cause our daughters to have a false representation of how they should be treated, and our sons who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children as adults.

WHERE TO SEEK HELP

In addition to your local authorities or shelters/safe houses for abused women and children, you can also seek help with any of the resources listed below:

• The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline: 1-866-331-8474
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
• www.womenslaw.org
• Help for immigrants/international victims: www.casadeesperanza.org

LEARNING TO LEAVE

The most dangerous part of a domestic violence relationship is attempting to leave. Most victims want to announce that they are leaving or are unsure about how to leave which ends up causing more issues. When making the courageous step to leave a domestic violence relationship, it is always smart to be low-key and cautious.

 MAKE A PLAN: Days, even weeks before leaving you should make a plan on how you will leave, when you will leave, and what you will take with you.

 SAVE MONEY: If possible, save as much as you can before departing. Many women who do leave tend to go back because the man controlled the finances or the money they were allotted they did not think to save.

 KEEP EVIDENCE & DOCUMENTATION: When in a violent relationship and planning to leave you should always take pictures and right down days and times that the abuse occurred. It will help greatly with police reports and protection orders.

 LOCK/HIDE AWAY ALL WEAPONS: If possible, hide or lock up knives, guns, or anything that can potentially be or has been used as a weapon to a hurt you or someone else.

 DO NOT INVOLVE CHILDREN: Of course it is always in the best interest of yourself and your children to take them with you when you leave, but do not involve them in the process. Explain to them that they will be going with you and what is going on, reassure their safety to them and let them know you will protect them, and make sure you have prior arrangements for them to be elsewhere or already at your “safe haven” when executing your plan.

WHAT IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

Often times when emerging from a violent relationship it is extremely hard for the victim to move forward and know how to identify a healthy relationship. Of course no relationship is identical but here are some key traits to establishing and identifying a healthy relationship:

• COMMUNICATION

• BOUNDARIES

• SUPPORT

• CONNECTION

• RESPECT

• NO PRESSURE

• NO ACCUSATIONS

• CONSENT

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

 Delaware, Montana, and South Carolina does not recognize same-sex relationships in their domestic violence laws

 BE AWARE: Out of the 20% of the 1.5 million women who obtained protection orders last year, ½ of them were violated

 1/3 of female homicide victims that are reported in police records are killed by their significant other

No relationship is easy, but no relationship should be a struggle for your life. Love is about accepting a person for who they are and wanting to grow with them, not attempting to mold them into the person you expect them to be and hurting them when they don’t become that. Learn to love yourself, so you are not looking for love. Love should be patient and full of excitement. Most importantly, love shouldn’t hurt. There are many organizations, ministries, and family & friends that are more than willing to assist. You are never alone, no matter how much your abuser attempts to convince you otherwise. Everyday is the right day to step up and speak out!