– blogged by: @thewisegem
It’s not the dream situation but let’s be clear, it happens. Not every relationship is bound to end with the “happily ever after” fairytale. So, it didn’t work out as planned but there’s children involved and you know your soulmate is out there somewhere, so what do you do? As always, there is no instruction guide to life but there are some major ways to mess things up along the way. Most of us learn by trial and error so I hope if you haven’t already made these mistakes then you try to avoid them at all costs.
You Don’t Need Sex To Co-Parent
You already know how this goes. You breakup, they text you late at night and you say, “come through”. He stays for a little bit, does the family thing, but it soon turns right back to the same ole same. Not only are you leaving yourself vulnerable for heartbreak and rejection, you are setting a poor example for the kids and getting their hopes up as well for the stability of family. You gotta know when to say when, even if he’s the “dad”. Establish boundaries and work on co-parenting.
Picking A Great Dad But A Crappy Boyfriend
As a single parent, you want nothing more than to find someone who is great with your kid/s and who loves them like their own. However, the primary role your partner is to play is actually for you, not them. Loving a man who winds up being perfect for your children but, not for you is emotionally draining and just plain wrong. You will wind up not only with your feelings hurt, but you will find that it’s harder to move on because you won’t want to tear your children apart from someone who seems to genuinely care for them.
I feel for the men in this area. I’ve seen it over and over and it never works out well for them. There is bound to be at least one emotionally unstable, clingy, female who will literally fight to the death for his attention and it’s usually his mom or a baby-mom. One thing is for certain, the success or failure of this kind of situation has EVERYTHING to do with the man’s ability to “handle” it in a way where he establishes boundaries for all parties involved and has a zero tolerance for disrespect.
Look, no matter your situation if you are a parent, then your time should be valuable and your standards high when selecting someone to date. You shouldn’t be out here dating just anybody and bringing them around the kids. If you haven’t already noticed, the world is full of crappy people. You have to be smart and protect yourself and most importantly your kids. So no, your new BF isn’t allowed to babysit your newborn. Why? Because you don’t know him and you’re putting your baby in harms way. No, if your new GF doesn’t like your ex or the fact that you even have kids, then ease her into being around them because there are some women out here that will do your kids dirty. Have a pre-teen or a teenager? Then it’s not a good time to try a younger mate. You have to consider if this person is here for you or if they are a predator lurking around for your child. It’s scary out here and we have got to do a better job protecting our babies while we are out here looking for love.
Making Your Wants Priority Over The Children’s Needs
“Momma gotta have a life too”, remember that line from the movie “Baby Boy”? While this is true, you have to consider who is also responsible for providing a life for your kids, YOU. Clubbing, and partying, and hanging with friends is all fun and games until your children get old enough to call you on your sh$#. Keep in mind, children are young for such a small time but, their memories of childhood last forever. Even when it seems inconvenient, it is your job to ensure a balance between doing what you want and doing what’s best for them.
Engaging in healthy disagreements is natural. Fighting and yelling to the point where police are called is not. Children in a single parent home are already at a statistical disadvantage, don’t add to that childhood trauma by allowing them to witness unhealthy relationships. It’s simple really, maybe you need to take some time alone to heal from your past/present situations and focus on your and yours.