Break It Down: What’s The Difference Between Self Hate & Preference

When does it become self-hate? A black man only dates non-black women. He says his reasons for doing so is that he grew up in an area where he was only around white women and just doesn’t find himself attracted to them. You have the black man who dates black women, but just women with the smallest amount of black in them. He prefers his women incredibly light skin or as “exotic” (yes that word again) looking as possible. Is this self-hate or just a preference?


I know men who aren’t the slightest bit of “light skin” and when they want to cut a woman deep and make her feel bad about herself, they call her “dark” or “black”. This, I would consider self-hate. Our shade of brown is in the same spectrum but for some reason when you look in the mirror you see yourself far lighter than you are. You don’t see the same beautiful shade of brown that I see. Then when you want to hurt me, you think the word “dark” is supposed to do it. Wrong! I love the skin I’m in so calling me black, African, dark or anything that is supposed to reflect my black as not being beautiful doesn’t hurt me. It hurts you.


Now meet the man who grew up in the white neighborhood and has never been attracted to the black woman. I can’t fault him. If I grew up the same I’m sure I would feel the same.  I don’t think it is self-hate UNLESS he has derogatory things to say about his race. Whether it is to fit in or because you just don’t know any better, there’s really no reason to say anything bad about the skin you’re in.  If a man is just not attracted to me, he’s just not. Hate and Preference are two entirely different things.


So lets break down the difference between preference and hate. Preference can possibly involve skin tone. Some people are so superficial and easily influenced that they have let  something as small as skin tone determine if they find someone attractive.  Doesn’t make it right, but it’s okay. These are just the type of people I avoid. Hate comes from a person who tries to change these things. In their eyes they are a few shades lighter than they are in reality. They use “dark” as a way of making you feel “less than” and they refuse to see the beauty in anyone with true ebony skin. These are the folks you pray for.  

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