Haters, Jealously, Triflin, Bar-sexual, and Rachet: This Here Is Directed Towards You (Part Two)

Eleven8 October 20, 2010 Uncategorized Leave a comment

This is a continuation of my blog from last week. The only difference is that this is going to the MEN and the WOMEN out there. Brotha’s, yall know yall couldn’t be safe for too long!

A Guide To Taking Care Of Business And Acting Like You Got Some Got Dang Sense So That You Don’t Further Embarrass Yourself, Your Family, or Your Friends

1)Quit assuming everyone is jealous of you:Honestly, too many people have this mentality. They believe that because someone has said something to them that they don’t agree with they must be jealous or hating. Somehow they believe they’re too hot for their own good. Honestly, how’s that even possible? Lets take me for example. And keep in mind, I speak hypothetically of course… I am a damn good mother to a beautiful son, I have a new car, a DAMN good job making DAMN good money, I’m a student with talents and opportunities most hoes only read about (if they could read that is). I’m self sufficient and got more sense than I could fit in a bank. Some would say I live a life a lot may envy. With that said, Why in the blue and glittery bedazzled hell would I be “jealous” of a fat, stank, 3 kids by 12 baby daddies, government assisted, looking for a hand out, free trip to Maury for a paternity test needing,skeet bucket project trick? Seriously. Do you really think that one day I, or anyone for that matter, aspires to be you? You’re right, I really sit around wishing that I too can have an Everest Institute diploma and can eat the finest in government cheese. Not to mention that I would really desire to have a face that looks like 12 miles of bad road, and be the mother of 11 kids before I turn 30. Yep, we all envy YOU. Oh, behave.

2)Stop talking about money if you ain’t got sense: Now this is another one I see all too often. You got your youngstas making $10/hr with their one bedroom apartment and their Honda Accord selling a lil weed on the side, aspiring to be a platinum selling rapper, swearing up and down they’ve got money. You got these brothas who don’t take care of their kids, but can buy new Jordan’s every week and keep themselves fresh, while their baby’s mother on the other hand has to shop at Wal-Mart to dress your children. You have fools keeping wads of money in their pocket instead of a bank, telling EVERYONE how paid they are, but when they get robbed they nearly sh-t on themselves. You have boys (not men) who probably make a good amount of money, but can barely read, spell or construct a complete sentence. Now, do you really think they can count money? This fool probably didn’t graduate from the 3rd grade. The moral of the story is, stop trying to be what you see on television. If you so happen to make money, take care of your priorities first. Invest your money, because when you’re old, you will need it. Can’t live off of that weed money forever.

3)Fellas, Stop Gassing These Heuxs: I have become aware of an epidemic. There is an increasing number of butta face chicken head trollups out there swearing they are America’s Next Top Model. To that I say “Heifer, Who Lied To You!?!”. All too often do we see a chick who truly believes she is the hottest thing under the sun. She refuses to believe that its her booty, not her beauty. Yeah, many men have probably slept with you. But that’s it..once those fools wake up from the sedated state of whatever drugs they were on, they take off running. They don’t want to be seen or associated with you. They don’t even remember your name. Do not equate your beauty to the amount of peen you have juggled in your jaws. Thats a false empowerment. So to the men, I want you to stop gassing up these ugly broads. You’re putting in way more work than you need to. You don’t really have to gas her, just buy her a $0.99 burger at McDonalds, supersize her drink and take her to a hotel, Superman that hoe and leave.

4)Stop being bi/gay only when you’re drunk: Dammit, nuff said. Girls stop kissing girls and blaming it on you being drunk. Fellas, don’t kiss another grown ass man and blame it on X. End of Story. If you’re going to do it, claim it when you’re sober.

5) Don’t Get On TV Tellin All Your Business: Some things are better left unsaid and for some reason people like to get on television and forget who they are. Or you have the Antoine Dodson effect. What’s that you ask? It’s when a person gets on TV, gets a small ounce of Youtube or community fame, then uses that fame to continue the cycle of pure ratchetness. This leads to the further embarrassment of friends or family. Mama would be so proud.

6) Mother Is Always Right: 9 times out of 10, if you listened to the advice your mother gave you, you could have avoided some tragic and unnecessary foolishness. The great thing about most mothers is that we are just reliving whatever craziness they went through at our age. So it’s not so much WHAT they’re saying, it’s more so the fact that their saying. So next time your mother tells you something, give her a not so obvious side-eye and just listen!

7) It was never cool to be ratchet: Look folks, it was never cool to be ratchet, ghetto or hood. Whoever thought that this was something of endearment was wrong! Acting like you have absolutely no sense does not make you any more “real” than the last person. Knowing that there is a time and a place to (as we say in Texas) “show your naked azz” does not make you bougie. Always know that people are watching, whether it be your future employer or your future husband or wife. You can’t make a second first impression.