THE GREAT CLEAVAGE DEBATE: How much is too much cleavage? Groupies, you should be reading….

Jacked from my Sunday Times magazine…

In the last decade the average bra size has risen from a 34b to a 36 c, so the question of how to display your twins have never been more pressing. As an owner of a lovely pair of natural 34 D’s myself, I am always looking for sexy, yet tasteful ways to showcase them. Big or little, it’s how you wear them that counts, boobs are a very big deal for some (this explains the popularity of the new boob-jab injection. It involves injecting the breasts with the filler Macrolane. Less invasive than a boob job, it will plump those puppies up an extra cup size, costs about $6000 (£3000) and lasts for about 18 months.

I have always been happy with mine (even happier since they have grown a full cup size within the past year all by themselves! Needless to say, I’ve gone crazy shopping for Lingerie….La Perla, Elle Macpherson, Lejaby etc) but sometimes enough is simply enough. You want to hide them away from prying eyes with spaghetti fingers (‘oops sorry, thought that was the light switch’ – yeah right dude)

I also have learnt that nobody ever touches them ‘by mistake’, that Martinis are a death trap, because you can lose olives down your cleavage and that high necks are impossible, unless you want to risk looking like a cheap barmaid (bartender?).

Never ever wish to have smaller ones ever! Even in the face of a tank top. The French say that a woman without breasts is like a bed without pillows (ouch- that’s harsh Frenchies!) and they are right. A friend of my tried fake prosthetics for a day and said ‘everybody noticed me wherever I went, they are so much fun!’ – Case closed.

As for men, never believe them when they say they prefer smaller ones. They are just trying to be nice to their less endowed girl friends – or something must be really wrong. Most of them are in denial.

Check out the rules of cleavage exposure for those who are in doubt…



* What you must realise about displaying your cleavage is that men will look. They cannot help themselves. The area of flesh between the breasts has an astonishing power over the male gaze. This is a good thing and can be used to your advantage.

*If you wake up with a huge spot on your chin, you can’t face sorting your hair out or psoriasis has broken out over your nose, undo a few buttons and your self-confidence should return.

*Because the cleavage is a sexual display, there are some times that it is not appropriate to show them; this includes, receiving communion, supervising young offenders community projects and especially school sports day. People (for which read other women) will assume you are desperate and looking to grab a man. So cover up unless of you are desperate, and don’t mind being regarded by your flat chested sisters as a scheming hoe when all the fathers are glued to your perky performance during the mothers egg and spoon race, hot in anticipation of more than the egg bouncing out.

* Traditionally, good taste dictates that one should only display breast or leg, never both. Only prostitutes flaunt both, so have a care, unless you are looking for more adventurous ways to supplement the housekeeping money.

*There is much debate about what age one should start to cover up. Obviously it can vary; a few summers of topless sunbathing can give you crepy, wrinkly boobs by your mid-thirties, while a woman who had kept them covered might have smooth, even toned orbs right through her sixties. As soon as you can have a conversation with a man in which his gaze only briefly slips under your chin, then you have reached the point of covering up.

* While a good display of cleavage can be useful in making meetings with difficult bank managers or bosses go more smoothly, be aware that too much of it can make a man deaf: ‘Hmm sorry, I was miles away’. It’s not just men who need to learn how to handle them with care. ” Sunday times magazine


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