Parents Listen to Your Teenagers, Especially to What They’re NOT Saying – blogged by @MizCaramelVixen

Dear Parents,

Being there for your pre-teen/teenager is one of the hardest, yet most important things you can do for them. Think back to when you were at that age; hormones racing, pimples popping up out of nowhere, so-called friends talking about you then to you, the name calling, peer pressure, and that’s just socially. Dealing with teachers and homework and parents are a different topic altogether. You may have wanted to tell your parents something without actually opening up your mouth and saying what’s wrong. OR you may have been the teen to tell your parents everything and they did nothing to help you. OR you may have had just the perfect parents and all is right in your world.

However, many fit in the other categories.

Now you’re the adult and your offspring has grown into a strapping young gentleman or a beautiful young lady. Parents, I ask, are you listening to what your child isn’t saying? This world is much different than when we were growing up. Children today are killing themselves because of bullying, many suffer from mental health issues, some kids are raiding medicine cabinets, some are experiencing feelings for the same sex and are confused. Actually, scratch that…this world ISN’T that much different, the same issues are still here, it’s just not as “hush hush” as it used to be when I was growing up.

A little over a month ago my niece came to me and showed me a message from one of her friends who lives across the street. This 15-year-old girl was at a point in her life where she contemplated suicide. Why? She hated herself because she was overweight, she hated the way she looked, was tired of her so-called friends talking about her. She mentioned issues with her family and she was just tired of it all.

After reading this note, I started to remember how I felt back when I was a teenager; how I wanted to die and how I thought life wasn’t worth living. Wondering how could my mother who swore up and down that she loved me, would send me to go live with strangers who sexually abused me. Why when I told my mother what was going on she called me a liar. I was instantly taken back to the many times I attempted to kill myself, but always seem to wake up later that day or the next…PISSED. My heart ached for this young lady and I knew I had to help her, even though she wasn’t my flesh and blood.

The young lady came over to my place and confided in me that she cuts herself; when asked why didn’t she tell this to her mother she depressingly answered, “She won’t believe me, she’ll say I’m a drama queen.”

After pleading with her to not do anything drastic and to stop cutting herself, I eventually ended up speaking with her mother. She was NOT pleased that I knew her business and the young lady was right, her mother did say something along the lines of her being a drama queen. I’m not here to berate the mother and judge her for the way she chooses to handle her child, I am speaking to all of you parents so that you won’t be that parent.

(Understand that this isn’t a race issue, that black parents act a certain way then any other race, as the mom and child in this situation are white.)

I understand being in denial about your child doing certain things or certain things happening to them, but do not shut them out. Listen to them, majority of the time it is a cry for help. These children are reaching out to you as their parent, their guardian, their protector and that’s what you HAVE to do; protect. I wish my mother protected me, had she not called me a liar and left me with these people, who knows how things might have turned out in my life. Not to say my life is horrible, but I have definitely had my share of crappy times.

While talking to her mother she said something that stood out to me, “What did I do? Is this my fault?” Please understand that at this point in time when you find out something about your child, that it’s NOT about you…NOR is it your fault. Instead of springing into the “woe is me” mode, spring into action and do whatever it is you need to do for your child.

My niece was at a point in her life where she was going through some extremely hard times and she wanted to kill herself. I overheard her say it, contacted the authorities and got her the help she needed. I personally believe if a child says they’re going to kill themselves it shouldn’t be overlooked. You might be “overreacting” by calling the police and having them take the child to a mental hospital, but at least that child is still alive and they received help. They’ll be alive to hate you all they want. My niece HATED my guts when I pulled that move on her, but she received the help she so desperately needed. Over a year later and she’s still in therapy.

Their hate for you outweighs the fact that something could happen. God forbid you hear the child say they want to kill themselves and a few weeks later you find your child dead and you say, “I had no idea little Jamie was in pain.” On the flip side to that, you have to hear what your child ISN’T saying. Sometimes it’s not as clear as day, you know your child, pay attention to your offspring and act if you believe something is off.

Open up a dialogue with your child, ask them how their day is; be interested. Invest time in them. Just talk, let them know that this is a safe place and there’s no judgment. Reassure them that you are here for them…no matter what. Tell your child you love them and you always will. If you notice something is off, use your feelers and see what you can get out of them. If you believe something is too far left and you think they need help, call their physician and schedule an appointment or ask them for a number to a therapist in your area.

Get your child the help that they need. It doesn’t mean that you failed as a parent, it means you’re excelling in the parent department. There is no handbook on how to be the best parent in the world. Everything is trial and error.

I hope that I have stirred something in your spirit and you’ll take whatever steps you deem necessary to be there and listen to your child or in some cases hear what they’re not saying.

Sincerely,
Vixen

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MizCaramelVixen is a blerd and comic book lover who just so happens to struggle with several mental health issues; chronic depression, PTSD, PMDD, and anxiety. She’s a domestic violence/sexual abuse survivor. Proud owner of VixenVarsity and creator of #BlackComicsMonth. Follow her on twitter: @MizCaramelVixen