Ballerific Health – I Just Want My Body Back – Sex After Rape

This following blog is a touchy subject for me and I am in no way looking for any pity. I just wanted a platform to speak my mind. Thank you for reading….

Having been a victim of child molestation and several rapes, I never enjoyed sex. It brought back too many memories. During those times, I would program my mind to not respond to the natural response feelings that my body was going through. After reprogramming my brain, I couldn’t switch it off when I was in a relationship. Honestly, I couldn’t even switch it off when masturbating.

Majority of the time, I faked my orgasms. If I had one orgasm, there was no way I could allow myself to have another one. I just couldn’t enjoy sex after being sexually violated multiple times. I wanted to have sex, my body craved it, but my mind…that was a different story.

Having sex with someone would bring up anxiety and fears, but I hid it, I didn’t want him to know I was “damaged”. While I did enjoy it, I hated it at the same time. I wanted to have sex but felt guilty as hell because I wanted to have sex. I shouldn’t want sex because of what has happened to me. How could I? Did that mean I enjoyed it while I was being raped? These were the thoughts that would run through my mind while being intimate.

Casual sex/one night stands was a no in my book and has never happened. For me it was a reminder of a rape and I’d never see this person again. Sounds weird I know, but, it’s just how my thought process was…no, IS. So if you look at it, either situation was a reminder of rape.

Here’s another thing that has my mind ALL types of screwed up. I enjoy rough sex. Slap, choke, bite me, pull my hair and penetrate me hard. I love that, but why? I’ve told my therapist, followed by did I enjoy being raped? She insists that I don’t and that it’s something that my body wants and it’s not correlated.

Riiiiiighhhhtttt

During a recent relationship, we were having rough sex and he said something to me that my attacker said and I instantly went in survival mode. I started to hit him repeatedly and scream, without hesitation he grabbed my arms and held me down. That just sent me into a frenzy, tears streaming, me begging him to stop, fear overcame me. He then realized what was going on, let me go and I fled to the closet like a scared little girl. He didn’t mean to say what he did, how could he have known? It was an accident, as was him holding me down and trying to console me, but my mind was no longer there. I was transported back in time, during that assault.

We never had sex that way again. *sigh*

Like I mentioned earlier, it’s not just me being intimate with a man…masturbating has that same effect. My therapist encourages masturbation so that I can enjoy my body. To discover what I like, how I want to be touched and while I do that I feel good. Problem is I build up to the point where I am about to have an orgasm and then my mind tells me to stop, don’t, you can’t, no more. Then, I cry.

Why can’t I enjoy sex as a normal person? Why did this happen to me? Why can’t I get over this? Why does my body and my mind defy me? WHY?

I either shut my mind off to enjoy sex, or won’t allow myself to enjoy sex/masturbating after having an orgasm. Guilt overwhelms me. Fear overwhelms me. I hate myself because of it.

Ultimately, I just want my body back.

There are other (horrible) reasons why I suffer from PTSD, you can read them on VixenVarsity.com