How Do You Open Up To Your New Lover About Your Past Sexual Abuse?

Every now and then I like to write about touchy subjects and this is definitely one of them. Did you know that every 2 minutes, someone in the United States is sexually assaulted? 80% of them are under the age of 30. Over half of sexual assaults go unreported and nearly 40% of rape victims were sexually assaulted by a friend or acquaintance. These are real life statistics from the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network and the truth is, it’s disheartening. 19% of black women will suffer rape or attempted rape in their lifetime. With stats like these, chances are either you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted. Maybe they’ve never reported it or maybe they tried to justify it or even blame themselves. Either way, it’s likely that someone you love is living with this right now.

I don’t have to be a victim myself to know that sexual abuse is a hard thing to mentally heal from. What happens when you finally heal emotionally and you’re ready to date again? When is it okay to divulge your history of sexual violence?

Before you divulge your sexual history to your new mate it is important that you have come to grips and healed yourself. Healing can take years. It may take well into adulthood for someone to come to terms with the sexual abuse they endured as children. Once you have healed, you’ll be ready to open yourself up and start seriously dating again. 

There is no set time when you should open up to your partner. Every relationship is different. You must determine that the relationship you are in is built on an open and honest foundation. You must be able to trust the intentions of the person you are with. That could be within months of dating or well into marriage.  Whatever it is, make sure that the relationship is completely solid and you feel a sense of trust before opening up about your sexual past.

When you finally open up to your mate, it’s best to be straight up and honest. Most men can appreciate it and if they can’t, chances are they weren’t the ideal person for you. When a man wants to be with you he will be understanding of your past, regardless of what that is. A man who wants to be with you will not throw your past in your face or fear that you will “cry rape” with him. 

Don’t be quick to toss away the guy who may handle you with a bit more care, however. Sexual abuse is a very heavy subject and he may feel that he needs to be fragile with you. Because it’s likely your mate knows absolutely nothing of the subject, he may be afraid that certain touches or sexual advances may trigger memories of your past (even if they haven’t before). Don’t hold this against him, he is still processing the information you gave him and it’s very important that you now help him come to terms the way you did. 

Speaking of triggers, it’s very important to know what triggers and experiences prompt flashbacks if any. If you can’t identify them there is no way to let your partner know. It’s possible he can mistake a “trigger” for you pushing him away.

I hope these tips help you or a loved one deal with getting back into the dating scene and potentially opening up to someone you love. If you have any tips of your own, please leave them in the comments.