It’s A Digital World So Stop Getting Caught With Your Pants Down!

This goes out to Swizz Beats, Deion Sanders, Amber Rose, Josh Selby and everybody else getting caught with photos being leaked, text messages being sent to blogs and their entire lives being destroyed behind something they said in a Twitter DM. Have you idiots learned nothing from Kat Stacks? Now, I don’t condone cheating but if you’re going to do dirt, learn how to keep your tracks clean. You would think you guys were new to this. 

Let’s start with Rule # 1:

Never under any circumstances do you fall asleep in front of a jump off. Do not let your guard down people! You are just a camera phone snapshot away from having a whole lot of unnecessary drama in your life. Do you know how hard it would be for a scorned jump off to prove she’s been sleeping with you if she didn’t have photographic evidence? Sorry! Once the photos are there, you can deny deny deny but we all know the truth.

Rule #2: 

Keep the text messages vague. Opt for phone calls instead. If you absolutely must text your jump off, don’t put anything incriminating in the text. Don’t mention your name, don’t mention what you’re doing later, nothing. Keep it as vague as possible. Assume that if a third party was looking at her phone, they wouldn’t be able to determine if your conversations were sexual in nature. The best thing you can possibly do is get yourself a Boost Mobile throw away and talk to her late at night until your minutes run out. It’s safer.

Rule #3:

Do not upload risqué photos on to the web. Keep your nakedness off the web. Don’t twitpic, don’t post it to a blog, don’t even put them up on Facebook for 30 seconds. Once those naked pics hit the web they will never go away. Don’t even so much as email someone a naked pic of yourself. The internet is permanent, contrary to what people would like you to believe. 

Rule #4:

Technology is the enemy. If you insist on doing dirt, stay away from technology. Don’t hop your silly ass on Skype, that’s dumb! Don’t DM, that’s even dumber! Don’t email, don’t text, don’t BBM. Don’t do anything that doesn’t go away if YOU erase it. Stick to phone calls and making trips. Do it like they used to do before the internet. Yeah, it’s not as convenient but you’ll save yourself a ton of headaches.

Rule #5:

Ladies, don’t send him pics unless you get his. Know that if you send a man naked pics, he’s going to show everyone and if he’s really a b-tch, he’s going to blast you on the internet when he gets mad. That’s cool, fight fire with fire. Always have your own arsenal. A pic for a pic. Make him send you one first. If he’s reluctant to show a little peen, then he didn’t want to see the lady lumps in the first place. If he’s dumb enough to blast you, at least you have a whole lot of ammo to blast back with.

Rule #6:

How old are we? Stop losing your sh-t! I am absolutely sick of the excuse “I lost my phone”. How old are you? What are you doing in your life when you lose a phone every 6 months? Do you need a leash for your Blackberry? Maybe you just don’t need a phone! If you’re prone to misplacing a simple phone, you should consider not storing your naked photos and incriminating emails on it. Delete that crap since your ass is so irresponsible! 

Rule #7:

If you must send naked photos, cut out your face and tattoos. If you just have to let your freak flag fly, at least be careful with it. At least this way if someone leaks your pics, you can deny it’s you. 

Rule #8:

Trust no one. Your friends ain’t sh-t. If no one else will tell you, I’ll tell you. Don’t share your secrets with them. They’ll tell a blog in a heartbeat and chop it up as an “anonymous source”. Don’t trust your jump off, no matter how much you tell her you lover her, she’ll sell you out for a reality show and a few radio interviews. No that at any moment, one false move will get you caught up. Be prepared. Your homies, your jump off, everyone you know can be considered the enemy, so don’t tell them ANY of your business.

If you’ve got an iPhone you should probably invest in TigerText while you’re at it…