5 Ways To Confirm You’re Enabling a Womanizer

Many names come to mind as a description for men who are emotionally unavailable. For politically correct purposes, I have decided to use womanizer, but please, feel free to insert the name you are most comfortable with!

First of all, what is a womanizer? My original guess was: a man who uses his charm to woo a woman under the pretense of exclusivity or some type of relationship. Then I thought, you should verify that. I mean we are in an era where we make up definitions of common words, so I wanted to make sure I was accurate. Google’s definition was similar: a man who engages in numerous casual sexual affairs with women or a man who habitually flirts with and seduces, or attempts to seduce women. 

But to be clear, this blog is not to bash men. In fact, this piece is less about the womanizer and more about his accomplices. Who are they, you ask? Surprisingly, in most cases, they are the non-romantic women in his life. The mothers are the biggest culprits in making them and we: the sisters, female cousins/friends, and aunties, are co-conspirators in the maintaining of these types of men.

I used the word “surprisingly” because as women, we have all encountered emotionally unavailable, irresponsible, disrespectful men in our dating lives. So why is it somehow tolerable when one of our loved ones displays those characteristics to other women? Why do we view holding our sons, brothers, and cousins responsible for the mental, financial, and emotional abuse they cause our fellow sisters as betrayal?

This revelation started as I began to pay more attention to my approach with the womanizers in my life. And guess what I noticed…I never held them accountable. I think in the past I never thought it was my job. I felt that my loyalty belonged to my brother, male cousin or male friend, so my role was to advise them based on the information they gave me and to ALWAYS take their side. I now see that that ideology holds us back. I should have asked more probing questions to get the full story and then helped them to understand things from a different perspective. Why the woman behaved the way she did, what she could be feeling, etc. So now, in the wake of my revelation, I want to help you. 

Here are five ways to confirm you are enabling a womanizer:

1)   He does things in his relationship (lies, cheats, manipulates) that you would have a problem with if done in the relationship with your partner, but you don’t point that out to him.

2)   You allow him to bash his significant other without giving him insight on what she may have been feeling and what she may have needed in that situation.

3)   You don’t hold him accountable for the part he plays in the demise of the relationship.

a.   The conversation is always about her and what she could/should have done, but never about him.

4)   You advise the girl to stay with him knowing he isn’t ready for a relationship or isn’t good for her, himself, or anybody else.

5)   You know certain qualities he has (selfishness, emotional hang-ups, immaturity) but you allow him to spin the story and be the hero or victim.

a.   He may imply that he saved her from something or upgraded her in some way when in actuality she was doing fine when he met her.

b.  Another example is him painting a picture that he was a good man, but she was insecure and messed up the relationship. Realistically, he gave her reasons to be suspicious through his toxic behavior.

The rule of thumb should be: if a man is doing something you wouldn’t want to be done to you or your daughters,  you can’t dismiss it just because it’s your family member. We put a lot of weight on the woman “knowing better,” and “respecting and valuing herself.” Shouldn’t those same rules apply to men? If we were in relationships with unfaithful men, deadbeat dads, or emotionally unavailable boyfriends, we would have a slew of adjectives to describe them. But when it comes to the platonic men in our lives, we don’t keep that same energy. By defending them, we condone their behaviors. We are the closest to them; they trust our opinions and therefore we may be able to get through to them in the way a significant other can’t. It is our duty— not to bash them, but to hold them accountable for their thoughts, words, and deeds; it’s the most accurate way to show unconditional love. Why not use our powers for good and help a sister out!