Q: My boyfriend of 4 years told me he doesn’t want to get married. We broke up and I am beyond hurt. I don’t know what to do I thought I was going to marry this man. It hurts so bad do you have any advice? –Anonymous
A: I would love to credit the source but I honestly can’t remember where I heard, “When the writings on the wall, you should read it” first. Essentially, it’s a clever way of encouraging us to see what’s obvious then act accordingly. Men and women alike are driven by gratification. We like to satisfy our wants and we’ll go through great lengths to do so. Sometimes we detach ourselves from our better judgment, rationalize our wants, and end up putting ourselves in compromising situations (i.e. buying a car we know we can’t afford) all because of a little voice inside which says, “You deserve it.” But what about those times when you don’t know? What about those times when what you want does not immediately reveal itself to be problematic or futile, say like getting married to your beau of 4 years? I don’t know you, but if you’re like the many women who view marriage and the prospect of having a family as the pinnacle of life’s accomplishments, then I hope the following proves useful.
When your boyfriend says, “I don’t want to get married” it can feel as if a sky scrapper has been thrown on top of you. However, you needn’t fight, kick, or scream. The best course of action is to collect your belongings, thank him for his time, and move on. We both know this will never happen (at least not so smoothly). Why not? Because you’re angry, hurt, and maybe even a little bit embarrassed. It makes sense that spending years investing into a relationship by pouring your heart and soul into a man whom you believed to be “The One” can cause devastation when he one day tells you his plan for the future is vastly different from yours. What happened to the months or years of merging your lives together? What happened to the mounds of BS you put up with? The empty promises? What happened to the countless times he referred to you as his future wife? You endured your share of heartache and aggravation all because you thought that no-good-somebody was one day going to get his stuff together, step up, and reward your loyalty with a shiny engagement ring. Fret not. Coming to grips with such a painful reality isn’t easy. You now have to make the decision to put yourself first. You accomplish this by kicking him to the curb expeditiously, getting yourself together (this will undoubtedly involve a period of grieving), and NEVER LOOK BACK. If he’s not willing, mature enough, or smart enough to be ALL that you needed him to be, he isn’t worthy of another minute of your time. If you were good to him and loved him through all of his flaws, you can make peace with the fact you deserve better and will inevitably get better. To help you release, reconcile, and renew I’ve put together a few steps to help you get through this process.
TRUTH
He put it out there, finally. He let you know the ship is sailing in a completely different direction. You can commence to starting World War III or you can respect his honesty and throw up the deuces. While he may have strung you along, he isn’t any longer. Thank the Heavenly Father that he finally manned up and let you know that there is a toe-tag on your relationship so you’re no longer sitting at a table for two by yourself. Your only job at this point, as far as the relationship is concerned, is to kick him to the curb (notice the recurring theme). There is absolutely no reason to pretend that you’re okay with being a lifetime girlfriend unless that’s what you were after, which clearly you weren’t. With all relationships, there are exceptions that defy the odds and rules. We all know a couple who went through similar turmoil, only to end up married 3 years later. If you want to bet your future happiness on the slim chance he might come around be my guest. The chances of you standing at the altar next to him at any point in the future are less likely than you disappearing courtesy of an extra-terrestrial abduction. It’s an uncomfortable truth. Even if you stayed, what would be the point? You should think highly enough of yourself to know that the right man will WANT to be with you and build with you. This guy isn’t him and has shown you. Women are always saying that men should be more honest and upfront with how they feel and what their intentions are. When we are honest (no matter how long it takes us) you need to listen. Please know that it is not a negative reflection of you. Men know what we want and if it’s not you, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Maybe we don’t like who we are when we’re with you. It’s natural to feel a sense of rejection and it may come as a body blow. I’ve seen men leave their beautiful, supportive girlfriend/wife for a classless, poor communicating hood-rat all because the new woman didn’t require him to be a hard working, upstanding man. The new woman was okay with his antics and receptive to his lies. Is he happier today? No. He’s since realized his mistake and is pining after the PRIZE he wasn’t wise enough to keep.
DEALING WITH THE REALITY
Anytime we find ourselves dealing with heartache, human tendency compels us to feel a sense of rejection, disappointment, even anger. The most important thing for you to remember is NOTHING is wrong with you. Whether he chooses to marry in the future or live out the remainder of his days as a womanizing bachelor, you have to constantly remind yourself that people often have different expectations for their lives than you have for them. Often, what you brought to the table will be more substantive than his life alone or his next relationship but you can’t fault him if he is unable to see it or doesn’t care. It doesn’t make you feel any better, but it’s the truth. If he thought he could be happier alone or with someone else the best thing you can do is wish him luck and close the chapter. Don’t fall for the illusion, he didn’t undergo some life altering cathartic experience and decided he didn’t want to get married last week. He probably always knew, despite what he may have led you to believe. Though it constitutes a form of deception, I’d be more inclined to look at it as a blessing. Did you really want to marry a man whose heart, mind, and soul were somewhere else? Hopefully, the answer is no. When a man is “All In,” you can bet your last dollar his behavior, attitude, and the overall way that he treats you will reflect his commitment to you and the relationship. Chances are, you’re recently or soon-to-be Ex hasn’t been boyfriend of the year and never really lived up to your expectations anyway. I don’t know this for a fact, but I’d be willing to bet on it.
MISTAKE TODAY – HAPPINESS TOMORROW
We make mistakes; it’s a part of life. A bad relationship or one that is unable to withstand the test of time does not mean you made a mistake. The only time we truly make a mistake is when we fail to learn from life’s experiences. You gave your time, energy, and love because that’s what your heart led you to do. Whether it was wise or not is irrelevant. You were courageous and nothing less. You dared to love and although you didn’t end up with the platinum ring or the fairy tale wedding (yet) you can take comfort in knowing that tomorrow always dawns another day. Through this journey you have learned what works and what won’t. His rationale for not wanting to get married isn’t your concern. Don’t spend one millisecond trying to persuade him to change his mind. Understand this… Sometimes dealing with the WRONG person can help you identify the RIGHT person in the future. You may have compromised yourself or made concessions to make the relationship work in the past but you’re different now. You’re more aware, wiser, and more able to positively contribute to your next relationship. Thus, the type of man you’ll inevitably attract in the future will also be more capable of making the newly improved you—happy.
Hope this helps.
André George is a lifestyle writer and brand strategist. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @TheAndreGeorge
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