#AskAMan – “I Broke Up With A Man Who Kept Doing Me Wrong, Was I Too Harsh?” – Answered by @Gentlemenhood

Ever want to get a man’s point of view on an issue you’re facing? Maybe your girl friends haven’t been giving the best advice lately? Baller Alert has relaunched our #AskAMan series where you’ll receive advice from a male perspective. Our advisor today is @Gentlemenhood & he will be helping a young lady who fell in love with a man after a bad time in her life, and now that she’s dumped him for doing her wrong, she’s wondering if she did the right thing.

Need to ask for a man’s perspective? Email: [email protected] with “#AskAMan” in the subject.

Hi Baller Alert,

I recently dumped my ex on Christmas day and I’m wondering if I was too harsh and will he ever regret the damage he did to me?

In 2013, my then boyfriend, passed away before the holidays. The new guy that I just dumped, was friends of my ex that passed away. He pursued me months after the funeral. I felt I was vulnerable and shouldn’t have dated him, but I ended up doing it because I was seeking a shoulder to cry on since he knew my ex. He was also at the funeral to pay his respects so he is well aware of how hurt I was over the death of my ex.

2014 was a bad year because the more that I dated him, the more bullshit I tolerated. He would sleep with me once a month, then disappear and swear that he’s not sleeping with other women. He would accuse me of being “crazy” whenever I would text him and curse him out for ignoring me. All I ever wanted was the basic things from him.. Quality time and consistency. I never asked him for money.

He wanted to start his own business and I was very supportive. I am an entrepreneur and I will receive my masters degree in business, in a few months, so I was prepared to be his assistant. I invited him to business workshops to help him get info on free grants to start his business, but he never went. I offered to co-sign a bank loan for him to help him start his business, but he still procrastinates. I offered to type up a documented business plan to help him map out a blueprint, but he never followed up. He’s 40 years old, no kids and lives in the projects and drives a luxury car. He has a bachelors degree but doesn’t want to work. He rather run the streets and go to the casino with his friends to play poker.

His birthday was 3 months ago. He turned 40 and he invited me to go to the casino with him for his 40th birthday but ditched me to take his friends instead, then he called MW crazy for yelling at him for it. I bought him a beautiful gold bracelet that cost $1,500 and a watch and tickets to an NBA game (excellent seats near the floor) because he loves basketball and has never been to the Barclay’s Center before.  My birthday was 3 days after his, and he didn’t buy me anything. Not even a card.

His mom was sick in the hospital and I had flowers delivered to her. We went to the Brooklyn Nets game last month and he loved it. I went out of my way to get him great seats and he didn’t say thank you after the game was over. For Christmas, I booked a trip for me and him to go the Jamaica. He was happy to that I did this for him. When Christmas day came 2 weeks ago, I waited by the phone all day to see if he would at least wish me a merry Christmas. He didn’t send a text or call, so I called him at 11pm (Christmas day was almost over). I asked why he didn’t call and he said I should have called him. I went off on the phone and told him that I’m ALWAYS calling and texting and bending over backwards to treat him good, so why is it so hard to pick up up the phone and wish me happy holidays? I cook for him and do what he asks and this is how he shows his appreciation by disappearing on Christmas day? I wasn’t expecting a gift, just some acknowledgement.

He hung up on me once he saw how upset I was, so I texted him my final thoughts. I got everything off my chest. I called him selfish, ungrateful, unappreciative and a dickhead. I told him I never want to see him again and that he probably won’t find anyone like me to love and support him with every aspect if his life. He told me that I need to “prove” my love to him, but I’ve done everything possible to show him love and it never seems to be enough. Even sending his mom flowers when she was sick in the hospital. I said some extremely harsh things and then I called my cell courier to have his number blocked from calling or texting me. I’ve stood my ground for the last 2 weeks, but I will admit that I am deeply hurt and saddened.

Can you tell me if I was too harsh and do you believe that he will later regret the things he did to me? I don’t understand how he can treat me like this knowing I lost my ex boyfriend in 2013 and I was already suffering. It feels like he enjoys inflicting more pain on me because he gets off on my reaction. Please tell me that one day he will regret his actions. He complains that women are selfish and money hungry, but I’ve always treated him good. He has money but he’s cheap with it… He hurt me so bad…

Whewwww lord, this story! Ok, now on to the response from our resident Gentleman.

First off I’m sorry for to hear about all you’ve been through. The hurt you’ve experienced the last year is ridiculous. I would like to say you weren’t being a girlfriend, you were being a mom and a provider. If a man can’t give you quality time and consistency, he doesn’t have anything for you. This male is a childish grown boy. The fact he is that old and you had to force him to do better for himself is ridiculous. He didn’t love you, didn’t care for you or any of that. I believe he simply capitalize off the fact you were vulnerable, got you hooked and put you in his back pocket. The fact you spent so much money on him make me also wonder if he stuck around for that type of benefits. Some men will play the boyfriend role just to be in the corner of a woman who will take care of any man they fall for. Overall you’re a good woman who fell for a no good guy because his shoulder was there when you needed it. 

You did absolutely nothing wrong by dumping him and cutting off communication. You need to do that to regain yourself and get back on your feet. You need that to heal and love yourself again. He may never realize that he did wrong to you, he may never see what’s wrong with the way he treated you because he didn’t value you. But that’s okay, you don’t need the closure from him. You don’t need the apology. You will have to find closure on your own and learn to live without an apology. You settled for less in this case and it’s kinda unrealistic to expect more. You’ve had false hope throughout the  entire relationship, there’s no need for any hope now. It hurts, but the next step is to deal with the hurt and working on growing and loving yourself. You’re too good for these type of men. They are heart abuser who turn people like you into bitter soul. It;’s 2015, leave that in 2014. So you can set yourself up in a better position to get a man you deserve 

-@Gentlemenhood