#AskAMan – ” I’m Confused…Am I Being Selfish?” Answered By – @Gentlemenhood

Ever want to get a man’s point of view on an issue you’re facing? Maybe your girl friends haven’t been giving the best advice lately? Baller Alert has relaunched our #AskAMan series where you’ll receive advice from a male perspective. Our advisor today is @Gentlemenhood and this is a bit of a long one. Check it out below.

Need to ask for a man’s perspective? Email: [email protected] with “#AskAMan” in the subject.

“I am a young woman, 20 years old, who recently rekindled my relationship with an ex whom I love dearly. We were only together for 5 months, but it was pretty serious for me. We were friends first, talked every single day for months before we got together. He was like my best friend before he became my lover. We kept close contact after we broke up. When we were together we took care of each other, but somehow I always ended up doing more for him. I didn’t mind, and I’ve never minded doing for someone; especially for the people I love. I’ve never felt he was a burden. After a while I started to notice he wasn’t there for me when I needed him most, but I was always his biggest supporter.

We had a rocky start. He couldn’t seem to control his female friends. He would often disregard my feelings about certain situations. He’d be okay with girls sitting on his lap, texting his phone at 3am, calling him crying about their relationship problems, and so on. His excuse was, “That’s my friend and I’m there for her.” Yeah, okay…

He could never seem to think of me before he did things. I’m the type of person to think of everyone else before I do certain things. I know some might find that to be weak, but I consider myself to be overly considerate. I’m always making sure everyone else is taken care of, and sometimes I need that too. But he couldn’t be that for me, no matter how many times I asked him to just have my back. While this might make him sound like a bad guy, he had some great qualities. This was his first relationship, and I let a lot slide because he doesn’t think like me. He never does things out of spite, but he just doesn’t think.

In the end though, the relationship began to wear on me. We argued more than I could handle, and I was also dealing with issues with my family. I’m sure you understand that being full-time in school, working 30+ hours at a job where you’re underpaid, having issues at home, and having relationship problems all at once is a lot to deal with. I lost my job before the semester ended, which was even more stress on me. And during the summer, both of my parents were sick and spent long periods of time in the hospital. So I shifted my focus on them and maintaining my sanity.

It seemed everything that could go bad was going bad, and again…he wasn’t there for me. So, I went cold on him. I stopped answering his calls, texting him back. I broke up with him pretty much saying “Let me handle this first, and then we’ll work on us.” He agreed, and was ok with putting us on pause while I handled my business. But then he decided he didn’t want to do this anymore. Pretty much saying, “You hurt me when you left, so I don’t want to do this anymore.” He decided not to speak to me anymore, and blocked me on all social media. I thought this was petty and immature, so I blocked him right back! I kept hope though, thinking maybe his feelings are hurt and he’ll come around when he’s ready. After about a month, we met up to talk and to clear the air, and get closure if necessary. I asked him could he see this happening in the future. He blatantly said no. That was my closure.

About a month later he decided to give me a call. He wanted to see if we could work on things…that was the beginning of my confusion. I had already started going through the motions of moving on. I decided I was going to do for me for the first time in a long time, and not worry about anyone else outside of my family. But I still love him. I told him I needed time to decide, but I really don’t know what to do. It’s been a few weeks now since we’ve started speaking again. We talk everyday, and he’s a lot more considerate and caring. I want to keep him in my life, but I don’t want to be with him. I don’t want to be with anyone, just me. There’s no way we could just be friends though, because he wants more. Am I being selfish? What should I do?”

And now the response…

“I would like to say, sorry about your situation. It’s refreshing to see you focusing on what matters during the tough times instead of breaking down and running into the hands of an immature boy who doesn’t value you. All the things he did was sign that he was not mature enough to respect his relationship. You’re not overly considerate or care too much, you simply loved him. When you love someone you do those things. Listening to the story he seemed to be the selfish one. Wasn’t opened to loved you etc. but soon you start to focus on you and getting your priorities together he wants to sneak back. You got closure, leave it close. As guys we always feel like being the best man in the world when we want a woman or want to win the woman back, that’s nothing. Once he has you chances are he’ll change into who he was because his heart is still not invested in you based on those behaviors you talk about in the message.

You are not being selfish, you are being smart. Loving you and taking care of the loved ones. That’s healthier than trying to fix a relationship that went bad before. If he loves you as well he will give you your space and honor your request. He will not push for more than friendship. Learn to set boundaries and make it clear you guys are friends or he will take the simplest thing as hint that you want to be with him. As they always say, if it’s meant to be it will be. Keep focusing on you and your fam.”