Ballerific Relationships – Are There “Levels” to Cheating?

Last night I was browsing through posts in a Facebook group when I came across one from a guy stating that he was looking to settle down.

“Ladies, I am a good catch. I am gainfully employed, family oriented, driven, adventurous and faithful if you give me a reason to be.”

Now what now? I read “if you give me a reason to be” about 7 times before I could process it. Naturally, the women of the group ripped him a new and men chimed in siding with him and it seemed to be that they all believed it is the woman’s job to “keep” a man faithful.

Truth is, you can be the best woman you know how to be and in some cases your mate can be as fulfilled as they’ve ever been and STILL step out. I believe there are “levels” to cheating and not all cheaters are created equal.

The One Timer

This person isn’t necessarily unsatisfied in their relationship. In fact, they may be blissfully happy but feel as if certain elements are missing or opportunity presented itself in another form. They are not out actively seeking someone to be with and do not plan to cheat on their mate and those missing elements may not seem like a big deal until someone comes out of the blue or resurfaces in their life who just so happens to provide the very things that they feel are missing from their relationship. You remember the 80/20 rule right? This is where that comes in to play. That 20 starts looking like 100 and they are consumed with the “grass is greener” syndrome. Next thing you know they’ve slipped up and slipped in (or on.. hey, whatever floats your boat) and they immediately regret doing so. Something clicks for them and they realize the risk, decide it’s not worth it and they make a conscious decision not to go there again. A one timer won’t hold forgiveness against you they are just glad that you’ve allowed them a chance to make it up to you.

The Unhappy Camper

This unhappy camper is just what the title suggests, unhappy. Unhappy with what? Who knows. Their partner works a lot and they feel neglected, they don’t show affection or make them feel desired. Babe is grossed out by fellatio, is distant or cold. Maybe she’s too tired for sex after work, school, helping the kids with homework, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry and bathing the kids before putting them to bed. Perhaps he is stressed about not being promoted or being unable to provide for his family. There are many possibilities and there may be room to fix these things but the unhappy camper doesn’t take the time to do so. Rather than try to get to the root of the problem or face issues head on they go out in search of a different type of fix.

The “it’s just sex” Cheater

This person claims to Love their partner but may not be in Love or sexually attracted to them. This type habitually cheats and will bed anyone who they feel even remotely attracted to. They are able to romp without reason or emotions behind it and give nothing but hard stick and bubble gum. Their mates often think everything is peaches and cream as their cheating boo makes sure of this by treating them well, sexing them on the regular (because they “have” to) and usually leaving no trace of their infidelity. If found out and forgiven this type will continue what they are doing but they will make an effort to be more careful. There are some cases where this type is actually attracted to their mate and have a healthy sex life but still seek outside pleasure. They are completely open about their desire to be with other people sexually and their mate is fine with it and doesn’t consider it cheating. Then you have those who don’t seek but are sought after and they eat up the attention. They may feel a twinge of guilt but they  are not disciplined enough to turn down advances.

The Two Timer/The Emotional Cheater

For most people, this is the worst type of cheating to experience. The sense of betrayal seems to be magnified by the emotional bond that is formed. It’s one thing to share your body but the two timer shares their innermost thoughts/feelings and has feelings that are usually reserved for that one special person. This person basically leads two lives and has full (or half?) blown relationships with both parties. It’s possible that they are a person of power and have an image to uphold so they remain in a marriage they may not be happy with and have someone on the side who provides them chills and thrills. It’s equally possible that they simply want their cake and to eat it too (I hate this saying. Isn’t that the POINT of having cake? Not in this context but still) Like the one timer, this person more than likely offers them balance and gives them what they feel is lacking in their relationship. The two timer isn’t willing to let either of them go because they have the best of both worlds and one wouldn’t be as appealing without the other.

The Sagittarius (oops! My bad! I mean..) Narcissist

Narcissist fall under the “it’s just sex” cheater but in a completely different way than mentioned above. With this type, that phrase is used in an attempt to downplay their behavior or make their mate understand why it’s not so much of a big deal. You’ll know when they cheat because they are bold with it and make little to no effort of hiding it. They won’t understand why you’re upset and will be annoyed by your tears because they are unable to empathize especially when your feelings are a result of something they did. There is no intention to modify their behaviors because they won’t know who they are without them. Though they have a tough “I am King/Queen superior to all” outer appearance they suffer with self esteem issues and feel small which is another reason they may cheat. In order to feed those issues they require constant admiration and will have those who show them attention whether they are attracted to them or not. This would also be one of the cases where they blame their spouse for their actions instead of owning up to them. If they feel their current mate is not worshiping the ground they walk on in the way they prefer or as often as they’d like they will find someone who will. And there is always someone who will because everyone wants them. Everyone. Or so they believe. Whether you forgive them or not doesn’t matter to them, they are going to be who they are and do what they do. Either you roll with it or roll out.

Bye Bye, Baby

This type cheats with a purpose and that is to end the relationship. For one reason or another they no longer wish to be attached but they don’t have the heart to end the relationship by stating that. Instead, they act out and may even plant clues for their mate to discover. They want to be found out in the hopes that the person they are with leaves them.

I’d be here all day describing different types of cheating and different reasons people cheat. As you can see, all of the above mentioned reasons have nothing to do with the person being cheated on and everything to do with the person doing the cheating. Of course, the person doing the cheating wouldn’t think so. There are times when there are underlying issues and times when there are not. Although one may have their personal reasons for cheating that is still not a valid excuse. Either way, there is nothing you can “do” to “make” someone cheat just as there is no way to prevent them from doing so. I mean, other than peacing out of course.

What do you think of this young man’s statement? Do you believe it is a woman’s job to “keep” someone from cheating on them? Have you been involved with one of these types of cheaters before? When it comes to infidelity and forgiveness, is cheating a deal breaker? (in marriage) Does it matter how they cheat and why?