My mom always told me, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” As I got older and cheated once or twice myself, I tried to see if there was any substance in this statement.
There’s a picture going around Instagram that says, “If you go from a sidechick to a main, your position just opened up.” I get it. I totally understand that cheating can seem like habitual behavior – a personality trait that involves the cheater, regardless of who they’re in a relationship with.
Then you have situational cheaters. That’s probably how I’d categorize myself; I won’t even lie and say I’ve never cheated. I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of the relationship, and at the time, I was too immature and afraid to speak up or even leave. Now, that was years ago, and I’d hate for a man today to feel a certain way about that when pursuing a relationship with me, but I’d understand.
When you start dating someone, and the conversation of cheating on an ex comes up, does that make you immediately cautious?
What if you’re a sidechick who just got bumped into the position of girlfriend? Do you think you’ll get cheated on because of previous behavior, or is it possible that you’re different? This one’s a little more tricky because the cheating individual doesn’t have time for growth if they jump from relationship to relationship, but anything is possible.
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I have had a pattern of being an emotional cheater, so I will be proactive and communicate that to any potential partner. I expect him to be concerned/cautious because past behaviors can show up in the future. There is a reason for the saying, “history can repeat itself.”
My job is to communicate completely the work I have done, the realizations, etc., as to why I ended up emotionally cheating and see how he wants to move forward. But I am also not going to get caught up with him if he’s in consistent or constant fear/anxiety for my past behavior. That’s beating a dead horse. I’ll just leave and note, he wasn’t my match, and leave it at that.
If I knew a man had a past of any type of cheating, I would do specific inquiries on whether he did the work. Ex. Reflections, introspection, journaling, meditation, therapy, does he know who is? What lessons has he learned about himself? His needs vs his wants? His own failures and mistakes?
Cheating is a reflection of the person cheating, so did he figure out why he was cheating? If he was cheated on, what are his thoughts & feelings on the ex and his takeaways from that hurt. I care more about if the person learned lessons about themselves, what they deserve, what they were silent on, about the exes, etc.
But I will admit, his past behavior will be kept in the back of my mind. And that’s okay. That’s my being protecting me. I know how to accept a person’s past as their past after thorough and full discussion.
As I have learned in therapy, we can’t control how ppl feel. We can be proactive. We can take initiative to communicate. I respect myself and I respect others more when they’re proactive and take initiative to communicate, esp on things that are not positive. The ugly of life, right?! The hurt of life. Our own infractions in life. Tell on yourself, so to speak.
I rather someone be proactive than me having to find out in a passing-by kind of way. Like my spidey senses picked up on something and now I run a full quiet investigation. That’s what will get me more upset/pissed off. Or figuring out someone was omitting because they were in fear and didn’t want to be judged. To be human is to do dirt. We have all done dirt. Owning it. Accepting it. Proactively communicating it is when ppl can give you grace.
With where I am in life, I believe how you start is how you end. So, I’m not getting involved with anyone in any type of situation. I rather walk away and start something fresh with a single man, by my definition. If folks are doing a dance with someone else, they have to cut that off before I engage with more investment. I know too much about karma and energy. Everything does come full circle, in time. I care more about peace of mind now.