Ballerific Relationships: “Patterns…”

It was a sense of calm that came over me, I couldn’t think straight before, but once he picked up the phone, everything I felt, everything that had my heart and mind in a whirlwind seemed to dissipate, seemingly not to matter.

We hadn’t spoke in weeks, but somehow, I had become accustomed to his absence in my life and our sporadic quasi-relationship. Be that as it may, he still had every inch of me, the light and heavy, even the darkest corners of my soul, and he knew, he knew that in that moment, I needed him to be whatever he always is in my time of need.

I yearned for him, as I listened to his words, and the depth of his breath. Even in the lack of physical form, the thought of him helped me close my eyes, just breathe, be still, and listen…..and when all that was needed, was finally said, and the phone hung up, I sat there and realized that I was still right there in the palm of his hand….malleable to any and everything my heart could endure….just for that calm and sense of security…that wasn’t really a security at all…

The pattern of never letting go of what’s familiar keeps us stagnant. Even in relationships we tend to hold onto people who aren’t necessarily good for us, but somehow make us feel secure. At times we settle for the pieces that they are willing to give us, to string us along and keep us content. We become accustomed to the way things are, instead of how we’d hope them to be.

We lose when we seek to love that which is not meant to love, we lose ourselves in things that soon deteriorate to less and less, yet we fight and become “ok” with the scarcity of it all.

So many times in love we find ourselves wrapped up in everything else but what’s in front of us, the blatantly obvious. We continue to seek what changes daily instead of what remains the same, and that pattern, that false sense of hope and security, its just another stumbling block in our search for what’s real, who matters, and what’s never meant to stay the same.

Patterns….we all have them, some in the forms of broken relationships, some pathologically in our psyche, others becoming external objects in which we rely on in order to make it day by day…and oddly enough, “pattern repeating is trying to resolve the patterns you’re repeating” Dr. Herville Hendrix