Can Blended Families Truly Blend?

– blogged by: @uniquely_humble

“Do you think the concept of blended families work?” a friend asked me. I had to remind her that I am the mother of a middle child by a man who has two other children with two different women, so blending has become a part of the program and not by choice.  She begins to tell me that her husband had decided that their relationship was no longer working and that they should part ways. If that wasn’t enough, she later learned that he had met someone else and that this woman has become pregnant.

After grilling him about the poor choices that he has made, they both decided that it was the best to part ways. She went on to tell me of the late night phone calls and text messages, the scent of another woman’s perfume, and the difference in the amount of affection towards her in recent months. She knew that he was no longer interested in her and the only thing keeping him there was their child and that it would only be a matter of time before he left.

She said that the only thing that she feared was that he would have this second chance at a great life with someone else and that she would be just another divorced wife with a kid. She couldn’t believe that he left her in this position as a mother and a friend and although she was resentful, she had no choice but to move on after five years.  It was at that moment she became comfortable with the idea of seeing someone else but only because she knew that life had to go on. The cord was cut and she was no free to explore the possibilities of a new life with new beginnings, but she was afraid of what other may think.

With this said, she accepted the terms of their new relationship which was to parent and leave their personal feelings out of their parenting relationship, but to remain cordial at all times.  Although this was hard to do, she had no choice.  They still share a child together and must learn to work out their differences as adults. He was still uncomfortable with the idea of her dating especially introducing their child to other men but there was nothing he could do about it. She could date, but men were not allowed at the house.  He had double standards about her life, and because he was still supporting her financially, she still had to adhere to a few of his expectations.

She was judged by her family and friends because they felt that she was too accepting of his new life.   Holidays, birthdays, and school engagements would be spent with the three of them instead of what they were used to, but she had limitations.  Of course, this wasn’t an easy pill to swallow but she was growing and learning how to live without a man that she had relied on for many years. It was a new game and he was calling the shots.

During our conversation, I had to remind her that Blended families are not the end of the world, because some work. I have maintained my sanity as well as a healthy relationship with the parties involved once we all were able to pass the pain. Although there can be many unanswered questions and emotions running rampant, you have to trust the process.

Although parents may be ready to enjoy their new found existence or freedom to choose a new spouse, your first family may or may not be ready. They’ll probably feel uncertain of what’s to come because their normal routine is now out the window. They will have to become open-minded about life’s new experiences, and try to understand it with the guidance of both families. This may be hard to do because emotions are running rampid. Everyone has an opinion and it’s fair that everyone is heard without judgment.

It may take a while for everyone to become comfortable with one another but if you are up to the challenge, then the reward will be great. You not only gain and a new family, you gain a host of relatives, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends that will help to complete your journey. My friend was learning this within her new life. There were times where the conversation would get awkward and she would remember that he was once her husband and their life was once hers, but would quickly snap out of it when she realized that life has changed.

I feel like everyone wants “MOM” to be happy, so it’s very important for the women in the picture to get along and take the HIGH road. Yes, there may still be some resentment there if the situation was not ideal, but we must learn to forgive, forget, and move on with the tools that God has given us. Once things are laid on the table, everyone in the situation can begin to heal.

I know that it may not be realistic for everyone to become best friends, but people can learn to appreciate the value that will be added to everyone life. Happiness is ideal for each member of a family and to reach this level, everyone must be willing to accept their role. Try to be cordial and understand that change can be better.