Dating with PTSD from Trauma or Abuse

I speak to a lot of women who have been through varying levels of sexual trauma. PTSD isn’t a condition exclusive to military veterans.

Any traumatic stress or event can affect a person for a lifetime. Sexual trauma is no different. The overwhelming majority of women who have been through sexual trauma have some level of PTSD. That trauma can continue to manifest itself in that person’s behavior for a lifetime if it goes unchecked. It can take many years of intentional healing to curb some of the effects of traumatic experiences. Ptsd symptoms and coping mechanisms in women can include emotional numbing, guilt or shame, hypervigilance, avoidance, withdrawal, promiscuity, depression, and anxiety, amongst many other things. This isn’t about the symptoms of PTSD, though. It’s about how women who have experienced negative sexual events can better relate to their partners or potential partners.

Women who have suffered from sexual trauma often write to me about how to better relay that information to men they date. If and when they should share those details. I believe you should tell a man when your ready, as long as you’re not holding him responsible for knowledge about yourself that you haven’t given or divulged. If your PTSD is easily triggered, it’s best to at least tell him which behaviors to avoid and that you’ll explain later. That’s assuming you’re aware of your condition and its behavioral manifestations. If you’ve been through sexual trauma and you haven’t already, seek help. Learn about how it affected you. It’s too easy to hurt your relationships by exhibiting negative behaviors, not understanding where they come from or how they are triggered. How can a man relate or correctly navigate your pain points if you don’t even understand them? Please seek help.

How men relate to a woman who has experienced sexual trauma has a lot to do with the symptoms of PTSD she may exhibit. A man in his nature may do very well responding to one of your symptoms of PTSD from sexual trauma while being completely ill-equipped to handle other manifestations in your behavior. Without the knowledge, wisdom, and understanding about your particular way of coping, a man can easily misstep or trigger emotions in you related to your trauma.

For example, many guys have learned that sexual aggression can be exciting for some women. They learn that many women want to be ravished. Taking charge may have led to a great time with other women. If he doesn’t know you’ve been violently raped and that to feel safe, you have to lead sexually. He could not only turn you off but inadvertently connect himself to your trauma. That misunderstanding can cause you to feel anxious or unsafe anytime you see him. Or say, for instance, he wants you to try something with him that you’re not into. If he keeps pressing the issue because he’s not aware of your anxiety about choice, it could ruin what was potentially a great relationship in the making.

Guys not only need to know about your experience when your ready to share but also your coping strategies. It’s unlikely that you’ll even understand enough to help him love you unless you’ve had therapy of some sort to work through your pain. Accepting love can be hard when you don’t understand your triggers or haven’t developed healthy coping mechanisms. Give yourself the best chance at recovery and healthy love by getting to know your lingering effects. Many men suffer from a lack of knowledge. Give him the tools he needs by getting the tools you need.

Women often ask me if men even care about their experience because they can’t always tell. Yes. The vast majority of men who are pursuing a real relationship with you care about your pain. They do. Men care a lot. Even so, there’s a common disconnect. Men are capable of nurturing, but it’s not our first instinct. Protection is. When we hear of abuse, we immediately think, “there’s been a failure to protect.” We may understand “find him and kick his ass” or “kill him,” but not how to help you cope. For us, it’s easy to forget that avenging a woman isn’t healing her. In most cases, vengeance isn’t even possible. That makes us feel helpless, and we don’t really know what we can do. It becomes a topic of avoidance because we hate that it happened and think talking about it will make you feel sad. When a man cares about you, he wants to be your hero, but he can’t save you from your past experiences. Once a man decides to love you, he cares about your pain from the past, present, and future. Not to say that he won’t someday cause you pain, but that a real man who understands the gravity of a man’s duty to protect will see to it that he doesn’t fail you in that same way.

I have dated women who, before meeting me, experienced sexual trauma. As my feelings for them grew, so did my urge to protect them and even avenge them. Men naturally just want to solve the problem, and if we can’t solve it, we like to pretend it doesn’t exist. The intent isn’t to minimize your suffering, though. It’s just that learning to be vulnerable ourselves and nurture your vulnerability is a challenging process.

A good man will help support your healing and work to self improve so that he doesn’t trigger your anxiety. This takes two people working continuously to understand each other. He must work to support you as you heal yourself. You must work to allow him enough access to grow with you on the journey.

This isn’t something that should be left up to chance. This understanding is a process. These are long discussions identifying PTSD symptoms and coping mechanisms. It may mean him exploring his own issues to grow as a person to meet you halfway. It may mean couples counseling, even for new healthy relationships. If your relationship is serious then your man needs a part of your recovery.

The point of this article is not to tell you I understand cause I don’t. I couldn’t. It’s not to tell you as a victim of sexual trauma “don’t make these mistakes” or “don’t do thus and so.” My point in writing this is to help women understand some of what guys may feel in hearing about it and dating women who have been through it and carry baggage from the experience. Not to victimize men, but to ..share the resounding masculine point of view of good men everywhere. Hopefully, it restores your hope in finding a man who you can trust would never hurt you in that way. This is not about being better for a man. It’s about being better for you. It’s about forming healthier relationships that make you feel safe and secure. So that your experience doesn’t continue to haunt you and cause you pain for a lifetime through broken relationships and self-destructive habits.

Drugs and alcohol won’t heal you. Taking control back by sleeping with a bunch of people won’t heal you. Jumping from bad relationship to bad relationship won’t heal you. Cutting men off entirely won’t heal you. Distrusting everyone won’t heal you. Self-medicating of any kind won’t heal you. Seek professional help. You need knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. you need self-care, self-love, and self-esteem to conquer such a bad experience. Understand that you are worth the effort. You are not damaged goods. You are as worthy of love now as you were before they hurt you. You can survive this and come out of it stronger and more capable than ever before. That happens on purpose though, not by chance. Don’t give your perpetrators the satisfaction of dimming your light.

If you or anyone you know is a victim of sexual abuse and is ready to take the next steps in seeking help you can call 1-800- 656- hope(4673). This is a national hotline that has helped more than 2 million people affected by sexual violence. They can get you connected with some free services in your area to start the healing process to take control back over your mental health.

@kevhick24