Fake Weed Leads NY Jets’ Kellen Winslow To Jail For Masturbating In A Target Parking Lot

On November 19th, Kellen Winslow was arrested for possession of synthetic marijuana. We already knew that. What we did not know were the details surrounding his arrest. It involves the search for Boston Market, a lot of Vaseline and Winslow wanking off in a Target parking lot. Reason #43985739 why marijuana should be legal in all states.

Via CBS Sports

“As she exited her vehicle, she commented to the male regarding how cold it was,” the report reads. “As she stood near the open driver side window of the Escalade, she observed the males [sic] erect penis. She stated that she believed he was masturbating. [The woman] provided a written statement regarding her account.”

When cops arrived on the scene, they asked Winslow what he was doing and he allegedly told them he was looking for a Boston Market.

The cops said that Winslow had his pants on by the time they found him, although he did apparently have “two open containers of Vaseline on his center console.”

Winslow also had, according to the police, empty plastic containers of “Funky Monkey” and empty bags of “Mr. Happy.”

No, this doesn’t relate to his “Boston Market excursion.” Those are the forms of synthetic marijuana that Winslow was allegedly in possession of; he also allegedly told police that he purchased it from gas stations and on the Internet and smoked it because the NFL doesn’t test for it.

Don’t do drugs, kids. Unless of course it’s from Mother Earth.