Former NBA Star Ben Gordon Opens Up About Mental Health, “I Was Obsessed With Killing Myself”

Former NBA Star Ben Gordon opened up in The Players’ Tribune about his struggles with depression and his overall mental health.

Gordon described his struggle he experienced nightly. “I would be up on the roof of my apartment building at four o’ clock in the morning, just pacing to the edge of the ledge, looking over, pacing back and forth, back and forth, just thinking,” Gordon said. “I’m really about to do it.”

Gordon continued and opened up about attempting to escape it all.

“I’m about to escape from all this sh-t. I was obsessed with killing myself. It’s all I researched, all I thought about. One night my panic attacks got so bad that all I could think about was escape,” he said. “You become like an animal. It’s instinctive.”

According to the New York Post, Gordon experienced these thoughts after he was no longer playing basketball, he was convinced he was in purgatory and was no longer alive.

“My whole career, I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. But now that I don’t have basketball anymore, the wolf is coming out,” Gordon said. “Now, I don’t care about cutting my hair anymore. Now I don’t care about shaving. Now I don’t care about anything except the thoughts inside my head.”

After being arrested three times between June and November of 2017, Gordon realized he was experiencing depression and sought out help.

“The goal doesn’t have to be perfection. It can just be peace and acceptance with yourself,” Gordon said. “I know for athletes especially, that might sound like some bullsh-t. That might sound soft. We’re trained to think that way. It’s almost like we’re brainwashed. But the whole reason I’m telling you my story is because I know, I know there’s players out there who need help. And to those players? I would just say, don’t worry.”

Ben Gordon

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