How To Become A Rapper in 2015 : by @niksofly

Here at Baller Alert, we like to think of ourselves as an equal opportunity environment.  With the end of 2014  a mere few hours away, I thought it would be cool that I help the future TRAP RAPPERS out. I feel we help the females out often and neglect our loyal men supporters.  Here are a few tips that should be a fire way to launch your rap career in 2015!

1.)   Declare your career choice.  You were a phenomenal  athlete in little league (according to your parents) and  in your junior year in high school  you were the team manager. The NFL is awaiting your talents, right? YES SIR! After a summer of dedication, you are a red shirt at your JuCo. That draft is looking mighty close. You transfer to the university your school feeds into and BAM !, after an additional year of being on the bench, you are the back up to the back up your senior year. Somehow you swindled your way into Combine and subsequently declared yourself for the draft.  No one knows who you are, but that doesn’t stop you!  You have a draft party and pray that someone at least Michael Sams you, but nope. Your name isn’t called. You could go back to school and finish your degree, but who finishes their degree? You could work on your game waiting for the day your  home team has  open tryouts, but you have to get this guap! How about a career in RAP, preferably TRAP MUSIC.  Now change all of your social media handles to “Lil”, “Dope” and “Killa”________(insert your name here).

2.)    Breathe your profession. You can’t really do Trap Music without being a Trapper. Who raps about a life they know nothing about? Hopefully you saved a portion of your tuition and tax refunds. Find the local petty dealer and over pay him for a pound of that Reggie. He will vacuum seal it so you will believe it is that Gasoline.  Move your “weight” and re-up. You are balling now. With a year of intense risk, you finally made your $30K.  A job as a security officer would have paid you about $3K more, but you need your credibility.  Get into a few one sided beefs with local rappers, get arrested for non payment of traffic fines ( That’s your jail record) and BOOM! You are making headway. Street Cred!

3.)   Look the part. It’s 2015.  It’s all about the look.  Find you a sub par Tattoo artist and get your sleeves done.  Don’t forget to do the infamous M.O.B. tatt. You need chest and back pieces as well.  Go nuts. It doesn’t matter that we can’t read your tattoos. It’s the point that you are tatted.  Head over to the local swap meet jeweler and cop that Rolex and Cuban Link Chain. You need diamonds. Make sure to get those I₃   cloudy stones. Oh yeah. Get you a grill.  Don’t forget to cop the latest pair of kicks, a Hermes belt, some True Religion jeans , MCM backpack and Gucci shirt. Go to the hottest club in your city and cop beaucoup bottles. Make it rain a few times, but be sure you have a chick that you know collecting the singles. You haven’t made it yet. You need every penny. Be sure that your boys are in on your plan. Split all club costs! I almost forgot, you need a Boss vehicle. Head over to the hood dealership and cop that 2007 S550. Your credit is poor and used cars can carry even higher interest rates, but you have to look like a BOSS! Finance it for 15 years. That way your payments are low.  Find you a bad chick. Make sure she has the 36” Malaysian- Bleach blonde. You can’t afford to send her to Dr. J Curves, so take her to the alley doctor. Don’t worry about proportion and symmetry or even safety. The larger the better.  Oooh Wee Maaaan. She is vixen ready. Cop her some general Louboutins (she has to be able to wear them more than once) a body con dress, MK purse and a MAC Cosmetics gift card.

4.)   Ensure that your social media presence is up to par. BUY FOLLOWERS. A lot of them. Make sure to create a few active accounts and sauce up your comments. It doesn’t matter you have 100K followers and only 32 likes. Take the proverbial money shots. Pose with  your “work”, car, cash and bottles. Upload pointless content to youtube.

FINALLY…

5.)   Give your rough-edited music to the gatekeepers. By give, I mean harass. Tag your music ( non-mixed and non-mastered)  to all radio personalities, DJ’s and the likes. Don’t bother worrying about who program directors are or how to contact them. Tag all the bloggers and publicists. Swear that your Fruity Loops beats  that are bass  driven and A-B-C  rhymes are fire.  Leave comments harassing popular artists to check your music out.

Don’t say I never helped you. Happy New Year! Don’t worry about having a manager or great presentation of your work. Who needs that in 2015?! (If you didn’t’ get it by now, this post is pure satire)