Have y’all forgotten the lyrics to “Not Gon’ Cry” and the storyline of the movie “Waiting to Exhale”? Didn’t Mary J’s song teach us this lesson already, ladies? You are not required to be anything for anyone that you haven’t even mastered doing for yourself. Don’t worry and listen to memes about what you need to “be” for someone else. Be your own peace. Only then will you attract the kind of love that doesn’t require you to suffer and endure.
Bad relationship advice is dime a dozen. “Be his peace,” “don’t nag,” “make him feel like a man,” and so on. Everyone seems to be an expert on what you should and shouldn’t do, yet many, if not most of us, have learned through time and heartache that the best things you can do for any relationship rarely have anything to do with following these cliches.
For men and women alike, there are no external qualifications that make you exempt from relationship trouble. Contrary to popular belief, finding love and having successful relationships are not determined by whether or not you look good, how nice of a person you are, how much of a freak you may be, or how much money you have. At face value, you may desire some or all of these things, but none of these qualities become the most important when you’ve fallen from cloud 9, and the real work of a relationship begins.
You can be his peace, her provider, y’all can try to be everything under the sun for each other, and it will be pointless if you haven’t learned to love yourself first. This doesn’t mean loving yourself in an arrogant, narcissistic, or isolating way. It means figuring out who you are authentically, pursuing your own interests, finding your voice, securing your finances, healing your traumas, and being the best version of yourself. People who have mastered the art of self-love don’t worry about cliches because they only attract and entertain healthy interactions with the people they allow in their lives.