Jared Fogle Sentenced To 15 Years; Diagnosed With “Mild Pedophilia” Due To Subway Diet

Former Subway spokesman, Jared Fogle, has finally been handed down his punishment in his child pornography case. 

Fogle plead guilty to sex with minors and child pornography charges and was sentenced to 15.6 years in prison, effectively serving out the 188 months on both counts concurrently. The real catch is that the time Fogle received was far more than his plea deal. Talk about karma! 

Fogle’s plea deal would have landed him behind bars for anywhere from 5 to 12 years. The judge, however, was not bound by the deal and opted for something a bit higher. Fogle will be eligible for release after 13 years, after serving 85% of his sentence. If he is granted that, he will not be a free man until the year 2029. To put it in perspective, by the time Fogle is released, Kanye would have already served his two terms as President of the United States and we would be electing ANOTHER president.

All the fun stuff was happening in the court room, though. Fogle’s lawyer brought on an expert who diagnosed Fogle with mild pedophilia and blamed it on the Subway sandwiches. I kid you not.

Apparently Fogle had compulsive eating disorder. When he got on his Subway diet and lost weight, he replaced his disorder with “mild pedophilia” and hyper-sexuality. “Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality,”  forensic psychiatrist John Bradford siad. “There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”

And if you’re asking what “mild pedophilia” means, Bradford has an answered for that too. 

“He was mostly attracted to females who were teenagers, who were 14 to 17 years of age. His attraction was at the high end of that range. There’s no evidence I know that he molested a child… 16- or 17-year-olds are not pre-pubertal children.”

So basically, had America just let Fogle be fat, he wouldn’t have had sex with 16 year olds. I couldn’t make this defense up if I tried. 

Lock him up and throw away the key!