Keep It On The Down Low: Privacy vs. Secrecy

“You’re my little secret and that’s how we should keep it. It’s on everybody’s mind, about you and I, they think so but they don’t really know.” – Xscape

For the babies, those lyrics come from “My Little Secret,” a classic 90’s song which tells a tale of two lovers sneaking around behind closed doors while the rest of the world speculates about what’s really going on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not spilling all of your relationship tea to your momma ‘nem or keeping you and bae’s dirty laundry out of the public eye… but there is definitely a fine line between privacy and secrecy.

Privacy in a relationship is healthy. Your 2,037 Facebook friends do not always need to know every single move you and your partner make or every time you two argue about who used the last paper towel and left the cardboard tube instead of replacing the roll. The less people know sometimes, the better. Too many outside opinions about your inside relations can be the downfall of something great. Take Jay-Z and Beyonce for example. I have to credit them for doing an A-1 job of keeping ish on lock behind the scenes. They show us what they want, which is just enough to keep us satisfied, but they never cross that boundary with the details. They clearly don’t feel the need to explain anything about their relationship dynamic to us, and they have every right to keep the personal, personal.

Secrecy is a whole other situation. Here is where the lines can get blurred. Now don’t expect after a couple dates (or in 2015 I should say after “chilling” once or twice) for someone to be ready to put you all the way out on front street. It’s a smart decision to take your time and both come to a mutual agreement about where things are. But unless there is some type of significant reason or extreme situation, why should you allow someone to keep you and all your fleekness in the background? If after months of going through all the motions of being a couple, you get hit with the R. Kelly – “let’s keep it on the down low” that should be an immediate red flag. It’s definitely time to reevaluate the relationship, ask questions, and pay close attention to what is actually going on.

….Could there possibly be someone else? Do they not want a relationship? Are they not proud to be with you?….

Be very mindful not to confuse privacy and secrecy. Being claimed by someone should be a bare minimum requirement. It can be easy to be manipulated into thinking that you guys are simply keeping things private for the benefit of the relationship when in reality you’re just someone’s little secret, and that’s how they want to keep it.

No one knowing the details is one thing, but no one knowing you even exist in that person’s life is another.