You’re scrolling your favorite social networking site and sigh in defeat as yet another engagement is announced, someone received their degree, had a child or got their dream job. Soandso purchased their first home, travels the world,  got a brand new car or lost a bunch of weight and you’re overwhelmed by a host of feelings. You find yourself in a place between being genuinely happy for them and wondering when it will be you. It’s weird how witnessing other people’s milestones and accomplishments can cause you to dwell on what you think is a lack of accomplishment in your own life.

There was a time I dreaded the question ‘what is your biggest accomplishment?’. For many years the thought of answering this was enough to cause anxiety. I had a list of things I attempted which doubled as a list of things not completed. What was there to be proud of? What did I have to show for my efforts? It was mortifying. It wasn’t like I did nothing to pursue my goals but on the surface it sure did appear that way.

Later, I realized that I was defining success and accomplishments as having tangible proof of my efforts. I thought success to be an accumulation of things but it is not. At least not to me. As much as we like to think we are ‘self made’ and have minds of our own, the things and people around us do set the blueprint for what we think we want in life. Society says that the car, the house, the trips and the perfect relationship make you successful and I think a lot of us believe that. Then, of course there’s that aunt who totally ignores the fact that you just walked on the moon but doesn’t hesitate to remind you that it’s time you get married and make babies. When those things aren’t happening for us we find ourselves questioning our purpose or feeling sorry for ourselves. Not only do we do that but we set these ridiculous limitations on ourselves causing even more pressure. “I have to have this or do that by the age of 25/30!” and when 25/30 rolls around and you allow that one thing that didn’t fall through to negate the ten that did.

I do believe that setting a deadline is an essential component of goal setting. However, don’t be so set on the deadline that you flat line. Set your goals but be open to adjustments because life happens. If you find yourself in a slump it can be a good thing to reevaluate the way you define success and change it where you see fit. Success is what YOU think it is. For me, it is continuing to Love and serve despite heartbreak, being used, misused and abused. It is in the tiny ways I’ve grown because of my failures and it is still finding the will to dream after living out so many nightmare. Anything else is a bonus.

You may not be where you thought you’d be but be encouraged. Tracee Ellis Ross summed it up quite nicely when she said

“Wisdom means to choose now what will make sense later. I am learning everyday to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be, to inspire me and not terrify me.”

and I completely agree. The funny thing about this quote is that many women look up to this woman and her accomplishments and even she isn’t where she desires to be. Shoot, the people who post those things that got you in your feelings in the first place may not be either. Which is exactly why you have to define success in your own, special way.

Need a quick pick me up? Here are 20 Signs You’re Succeeding even if you don’t feel you are.

What is your definition of success? Do you leave yourself wiggle room when something doesn’t go as planned?