The Apology: How To Spot If They’re Really Sorry

We’ve all heard our share of apologies. Some are forced, others are genuine, but can you really tell the difference between someone apologizing for their actions and someone apologizing for YOUR actions?

We’ve witnessed a ton of apologies as of recently. Whether it’s an athlete apologizing for hitting his spouse, a cop apologizing for killing an unarmed kid or your friend/significant other apologizing for doing you wrong. Some are smart and crafty apologizers (this probably isn’t a real word but it is today) and some are liars. Here’s how to spot the crafty apologizers. Most standard apologies are made up of 3 parts. The “I’m Sorry”, the “Responsibility” and the action they are apologizing for. When someone says “I’m Sorry that I hurt you” the “I’m Sorry” is the apology the “I” is the responsibility and the “Hurt You” is the action they are apologizing for. When you hear this apology, this person is taking responsibility for their role in what happened. Assuming they’re not a liar, this is what we would call a good apology.

Then there are the crafty apologizers who twist their words and deflect blame on to you. Their go-to apology is “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Listen, let this be a red flag warning! “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way” is NOT an apology, it’s an insult! Let’s break it down — “I’m Sorry” is the apology, “You” is the responsibility and “Feel That Way” is the action being apologized for. So rather than someone apologizing for doing something that made you feel a certain way, they’re really apologizing for the fact you took it wrong. Essentially, you’re being blamed for taking it wrong and they don’t see any fault in what they did or said. This is an apology no one should accept. No one has the right to apologize on your behalf, nor can they shift blame on to you for how you took something. In fact, anyone who apologizes like this probably earned the reaction you gave them anyway. 

Remember, when apologizing, you should be apologizing for your actions and how they effected the other party. It’s in bad taste to apologize that someone took what you said the wrong way. A better way to phrase it would be “I apologize that what I said hurt you.” At least you’re taking ownership in your delivery. 

Hope this helps you guys spot the real from the fake apologies.