The Other “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”: Childhood Molestation

After reading a recent blog posted on Baller Alert about rape and with Vanessa Williams opening up about her being molested, it was time to discuss the topic fully. The amount of emotional baggage I had to pack in order to write about this was major. Molestation is something that it so commonly swept under the rug due to the “shame” associated with it. Parents are ashamed that they couldn’t “protect their child”. Families may be ashamed of the family member who has committed the perpetual act. Being an overcomer of child molestation, I know what it feels like, as a victim, to have feelings, questions, concerns, and doubts linger in my mind. “Why me? Does this make me special? Does this make me unimportant? Is it my fault? Why could I have done differently?”

The majority of molestation perpetrators are either family or a very close friend of the family. According to www.victimsofcrime.org 3 out of 4 adolescents who have been sexually assaulted were victimized by somebody they knew. Whether it was an uncle, cousin, step brother, mommy’s boyfriend, or sometimes even an aunt, they abused the trust given to them by an innocent child. We have to be on the lookout for that person that’s just a little too friendly, a little too touchy, a little too “lovey” with our children. We have to teach our children that no matter who it comes from, this type of “special touching/attention” is NOT ok. Most victims, including myself, are afraid of telling. The perpetrator constantly tells the victim “It’s our special secret. Don’t tell anybody because we can get in trouble. You don’t want to get in trouble, do you?” If we instill in our children that they’re supposed to tell when this happens, that it’s not ok, and that that type of attention is not special, nobody will be able to change their mind. Approximately 30% of cases are reported to authorities. Don’t believe your child is just going to outright tell you they were or are getting abused. And if they do tell you, it’s a myth that they will tell you every little detail or every encounter they went through. If you suspect your child is being or has been sexually assaulted, find ways to coax the secrets out. And when they do tell you, don’t show anger. One fear children have is that their parents will be mad at them. Reassure them that they did such a brave thing by telling and that it’s ok to tell.

Molestation can become and/or start a vicious continuous cycle in 2 different ways. Generational curses of molestation are far too common. Grandma was molested, mommy was molested, and now it’s the daughter who has become a victim. Because it’s happened over and over again, most families see it was “common”. Not necessarily saying it’s alright for it to happen, but they don’t take the necessary precaution for it not to happen or help the victim seek proper psychological treatment. Constant reassurance that this tragedy doesn’t tarnish their being and assisting in acquiring professional psychiatric treatment can help prevent another cycle, the cycle of continuous abuse. Studies have shown that 63% of women who had suffered childhood sexual abuse also reported a rape or attempted rape after the age of 14. Molestation distorts a child’s mind as to what sexuality is. It also opens up an inquisitive mind. Victims of childhood sexual abuse are more likely to become promiscuous and engage in unprotected sex than non-abused children. Being exposed to sexual acts at such a young age makes victims feel that any type of sexual act at any age is common. This is why it is extremely important to seek professional psychological treatment and constantly uplift the victim to make them feel proud of themselves and increase their self-worth.

I was molested from the age of 5 to the age of 7, afraid to tell anybody what was going on. And, like the statistics say, survived a rape at the age of 11. I know first hand how victims feel, what they think, the questions they have, and what outcomes can become of it. I didn’t have the family support to reassure me that what I went through wasn’t my fault, that I’m more that the abuse, or to hold my head high and never feel like my body is an object of negotiation. It took years and years of self-reassurance to get over the damage I didn’t even realize the abuse caused me. Though I was able to get over the mental, emotional, and psychological scars, there are many victims who don’t. Let’s stop the cycle now, together, and stop letting such a demoralizing circumstance have a hold on us.

Sources:

http://www.nsopw.gov