Trust Issues – blogged by: @proudlylauren

If you had to make a list of the people you trusted, who would be on the list? Maybe your parents, your manager, your roommate, best friend, or significant other. Did I miss anyone? WAIT, I DID! Where is “me” on that list? Why wouldn’t you put “me” on a list of people you trusted?

When I first heard that question, I was absolutely confused on how someone could NOT trust themselves, I mean, you know you better than anyone right? Wrong, I was surprised to find out, self-trust is neither as common, or easy as I had imagined; but is an understandably crucial foundation to all of our actions, decisions, and relationships. You will never trust people genuinely, or be completely satisfied with yourself, if you don’t include yourself in that list of trusted people. So think really hard, do you trust yourself? Step 1 below will help you figure out.

Step 1

Do you have a hard time making concise decisions, bouncing from one idea to the other?

Are you settling for a bad friendship or relationship, out of fear of not finding anyone better?

Do you beat yourself up about everything, even things out of your control?

Maybe you spend a lot of time regretting past decisions?

Do you have a hard-time opening up to people, and show them the real you?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, then you don’t trust yourself as much as you thought you did. And that’s ok, it’s not your fault. Self-trust issues stem back to your childhood; a distrust that developed with years of growing up being told what to do, but not understand why to do it. Distrust that has developed from watching people you trusted be dishonest, and in some cases even betray you. There are may different ways this distrust could have developed, and it’s not important to spend energy finding out what that moment was, because it’s not just one singular moment, but a collection. Instead, it’s more important to be proactive, and solve the issues at hand, so you can begin to trust yourself, and erase years of damage from self-pity, regret and dysfunctional relationships. Here’s how to get back on track:

Step 2

Make a list of 20 small “self-promises”, mine includes things like: “work-out at least three times a week” or “I promise to say ‘no’ when my plate is too full” (metaphorically, and at the dinner table) and hold yourself accountable. Not only will you feel great once you’ve completed all of the productive things on your list, you will have proven to yourself that once you set your mind on something you will not sway out of self-doubt or fear.

If you go against any of your promises, come up with an appropriate punishment, but don’t dwell or beat yourself up. If I promised myself I would stop shopping, and then I have an unexpected retail relapse, I’d punish myself by not allowing myself to wear my new things until I completed all the other promises. Again, nothing too harsh, because a major part of trusting ourselves, is learning not to punish ourselves over things we can’t control, like the past.

Learn to speak unapologetically about what’s on your mind. If you have a good idea to give at an important meeting, don’t sink back in your chair, speak up. If someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do, respectfully tell them no. Practice speaking up, in order to rebuild the confidence for you to know, that even if the entire room disagrees, your opinion is just as valid as everyone else’s, and will be respected as such.

Self-doubt, regret, and distrust, is no way to live, so if you can begin to conquer those things, you will have begun a successful journey to trusting yourself, and those around you. It will be very hard at first, again, you are trying to amend years of different experiences and situations that may have conditioned you. So practice is literally your best friend in learning to trust yourself; remember to hold yourself accountable, but never revert to harsh punishment. I challenge you to be brutally honest, and look deep within yourself, to see if you would write “me” on your list.