One day he’s whispering sweet nothings, the next he’s acting like you barely exist. If this sounds familiar, you’re not imagining it—and you’re definitely not alone.
As a relationship guru, I’ve heard it over and over again from women who are confused, emotionally drained, and questioning their worth because of one guy’s back-and-forth behavior. So let’s break it down simply: he’s inconsistent because you let him be.
When a man knows he can come in and out of your life like a revolving door, he will. If you drop everything to be available the second he shows up, you’re unknowingly rewarding the very behavior that’s hurting you. Attention, affection, sex—whatever you’re giving when he wants it, he learns he doesn’t have to give you consistency in return. And that’s the problem.
Why Is He Like This?
There are a few common reasons:
He’s afraid of commitment. Things get too real, and he pulls back.
He’s talking to other women. Juggling lives means he can’t be consistent with any.
He likes the power. It feels good to know you’ll always be there when he decides you’re worth his time again.
The scary part? This behavior trains you to hope he’ll be consistent again, even when you know better. And that cycle—where you doubt yourself and cling to crumbs—is toxic.
Here’s What You Can Do About It
You don’t have to play along. In fact, you shouldn’t.
1. Shut the revolving door.
Let him know his pass to come and go is revoked. That doesn’t require a dramatic confrontation—just action. Distance yourself, stop jumping at his texts, and focus your energy elsewhere.
2. Stop pretending it doesn’t bother you.
Passive-aggressive behavior is a red flag within yourself. If something hurts or feels off, say it. Assert yourself. Set your boundaries. Be clear about what you will and won’t tolerate.
3. Don’t give him the goods just because he popped up again.
Sex, emotional comfort, or even your time should be earned, not assumed. If he disappeared for days or weeks, he doesn’t get to come back like nothing happened.
4. Be casual—on your terms.
If you choose to keep him in your life, downgrade him. He’s not your man, he’s an acquaintance. Keep it light, keep it polite, and don’t slip back into old patterns unless he’s earned his way back in.
5. Be okay walking away.
Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is vacate the relationship completely. If his inconsistency is affecting your peace of mind, your self-esteem, or your sense of stability, it’s not worth keeping around.
Final Word
Hot and cold isn’t romantic. It’s not mysterious. It’s emotional chaos—and you deserve better. Relationships are meant to feel secure, mutual, and supportive. If his love only shows up on his terms and his timeline, it’s not love at all.
Remember: You set the standard. If he can’t meet it consistently, he shouldn’t be allowed to meet you at all.
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