Why won’t he call me back? What are the reasons??? This author who wants to remain nameless breaks it down:
10) We smashed you off too quickly; the mystique is gone: If we meet you on Friday and hit dat on Monday…then you’re classified as a jump-off, and jump-offs require the bare minimum of conversations. As a matter of fact, we probably have you saved in our cell phones as “Jump-off from Friday.”
9)We Just Left You- If you and I just went out on a date, I’m not going to sit on the phone with you unless you’re telling me to come back over so I can blow your back out. Otherwise, get acquainted with my voicemail.
8) We are talking to someone more interesting- And by more interesting, I mean “New Pussy.” New p*ssy takes precedence over all old pussy phone calls, texts, and faxes. Play your position, toots.
7) We are watching Prn- Or football, Basketball, or catching up on ESPN. If you are lucky, I’ll call you back after Sportscenter or after Roxy Reynolds swallows.
6) We are NOT your HOMEGIRLS- We don’t want to listen to you recap what happened on your dance shows, your VH1 reality shows, or your real housewives’ shows. 5 minutes into the conversation, we know how the next 2 hours will go if we allow it, so we hit you with “Ima call you RIGHT back…” But we won’t.
5) Something Important Came up- Our brother got locked up, and we had to bail him out. Our Ex caught a flat and is willing to pay in coochie coupons if we help her out. Grandma is making dinner, and we are starving. Men have very sporadic lives; please don’t judge us for being spontaneously unavailable.
4) You are a groupie- 7 out of 10 women you meet in the club/bar are groupies. Men love groupies because of their convenience. However, we hate speaking, conversing, and chit-chatting with groupies. We love the naked camera phone pictures and videos that you send us that we share with our boys. A simple 2-minute conversation is all the time that we have allotted for a groupie; anything else can be said in person as we mush the back of your heads into our crotch area.
3)We are on OVERLOAD- Dammit, you g-chat us, send us direct messages on Twitter, comment on every damn thing we post on Facebook, and now you want us to spend our precious free time talking to you on the phone all night? Can we live?
2) We are trying to conduct business- How am I going to take you to all of these nice places that I’m lying about taking you to if I am on the phone with you all evening instead of working? Men are business-driven; we have to have time to work. If we spend all night rapping to you and no time brainstorming, then we’ll make no money, and you’ll be sending the NEXT dude naked camera phone pictures.
1) You’re A Clinger- There is NOTHING worse than a clinger. If we just met and you are talking about baby names, matching tattoos, and changing your kid’s last name to mine, then you’ll last about 3 phone calls and at the max 15 texts. Never accept clingers as a friend on Facebook; they’ll be all up in your comments, your friend’s comments, and THEIR friends comment walls, fishing for info.