“I think I might have Chlamydia.”- Said NO ONE after a night of dry humping.
My lazy ass sex-ed teachers always stressed that the safest way to have sex was by abstaining from it altogether. But then one day, I discovered the magic of dry humping.
What is dry humping, you ask? Aside from being one of my favorite hobbies; A dry hump is the act of simulating sexual intercourse while partially dressed or even nude, WITHOUT penetration. Typically exhibited through grinding, kissing, and heavy fondling.
Well, being a grown ass adult my friends laugh when I tell them that I dry hump on first dates. My response has always been, “When’s the last time you got pregnant from a dry hump?!?”
Here are 5 Reasons Why I’m Voting to Keep the Dry Hump in Office for Another 4 Years:
2. #TEAMNOCHLAMYDIA. The odds of catching a sexually transmitted disease from dry humping are significantly lower than by engaging in oral or penetrative sex. While seminal fluids containing viruses or bacteria can still travel through clothing, the risk involved with CLOTHED dry humping is minimal. Now, if you let some ninja rub his naked ass genitals directly on yours, that’s your bad boo.
3. NO BUYER’S REMORSE. Waking up next to a busted ass person you only dry humped is much less devastating than waking up next to one you actually banged. I can’t even describe how often I see obnoxious, messy people at bars and think, thank God I never gave them my ACTUAL goodies.
4. IT’S COST EFFICIENT. The average 36-count box of Magnum condoms costs anywhere from $16-$25 bucks, depending on the retailer. A small bottle of Gun Oil lubricant costs anywhere from $18-$20, and a Fleet 2-pack saline enema costs around $2-$3 on average. Unless you or your sex partner have all of these essentials in your “hoe kit”(aka overnight bag), an impromptu one night stand could cost you upwards of $50 bucks— solely spent on preventative measures; not including your Uber and bar tab.
5. IT’S A FUN CHANGE OF PACE. In our current “hook-up” centric culture, going from zero to home base with a complete stranger is a common practice. It’s nice to break out of that expectation and try equally passionate, risk-free, noncommittal sexual activities every once in a while. Personally, I never want to become desensitized or bored by sex because I do it so often with so many meaningless faces/sets of genitalia.
Listen, dry humping isn’t just for cautious ass single people. I know SEVERAL couples who use it as a form of foreplay to get the engines revving. While “fake” sex may seem elementary in theory, I suggest that you don’t knock it before you try it. It might be a lot hotter than you think.
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