I remember that day clearly. When I was fifteen, I went out one evening with a friend and a group of older teens and young adults. There was alcohol, and I was drinking more than I should have. Even at that young age I was running from myself. I was self conscious, sad and lonely, and liquor made me feel numb in a way I welcomed.
Over the course of that night, a young man kept my cup full while we talked. By the end of the night I could not remember what happened. The next day my friend told me, laughing, what had taken place while I was too intoxicated to know. I did not feel like I had won anything. I felt violated.
When I tried to tell the people around me, nobody agreed with me. I heard things like “you shouldn’t have gotten so drunk” and “you didn’t say no.” I may not have said no, but I did not say yes either. Because it did not look like their idea of an assault, I was told I was overreacting. If my own people felt that way, I figured no authority would take it seriously, so I cried and pretended it never happened.
That is why I have such a hard time with the commentary on abuse and assault stories. I feel sick reading the comments under a news story or on blogs and social networks. We were told that sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us. That was not true. Words harm, especially on huge platforms like the internet. Social networks have started movements and raised awareness because there is power in words, and that power cuts both ways.
If we know that, why aren’t people more conscious of what they say? Why do so many people feel entitled to proof of someone’s pain, or find ways to excuse the person who caused it? Comments like “he didn’t give her a concussion, so it is not really abuse” or “she is always running her mouth, no wonder he hit her” or “she didn’t scream, so she must have wanted it” are the reason many victims never speak up.
According to the World Health Organization, about one in three women worldwide has experienced physical or sexual violence in her lifetime. Baller Alert alone has more than 200,000 followers on Instagram, so imagine how many of those readers are living this. Some have gotten out safely, and I applaud them because I know it is not easy. But what about those who are in a relationship or marriage where they are being hurt and stay silent out of shame and fear? What about the young girl who was assaulted by a stranger or by a friend of a friend? They read those comments as confirmation of why they cannot say anything. They believe the same ridicule will land on them, so they suffer in silence.
That is why I urge everyone to be conscious of what they let slip from their fingertips.
