There is a real difference between self hate and a dating preference, and too many people treat them like the same thing.
Take the Black man who only dates women who aren’t Black. He says he grew up in a neighborhood where he was mostly around white women, and he has just never been attracted to Black women. Then there’s the Black man who does date Black women, but only the ones with the smallest amount of Black in them. He wants her as light as possible, or as “exotic” looking as he can find. Is that self hate, or is it just a preference?
Start with what is definitely self hate. I know men who are nowhere near light skinned, and when they want to cut a woman deep, they call her “dark” or “black” like it’s the worst thing they can say. We are on the same spectrum of brown. But somehow, when he looks in the mirror, he sees himself a few shades lighter than he really is. He doesn’t see the beautiful brown that I see when I look at him. And when he wants to hurt me, he reaches for “dark,” as if that’s supposed to land.
It doesn’t. I love the skin I’m in. Calling me Black, African, dark or anything else meant to say my Blackness isn’t beautiful doesn’t hurt me. It hurts him, because every time he says it, he is talking about himself too.
Now go back to the man who grew up in the white neighborhood and has never been attracted to Black women. I can’t fault him for that. If I had grown up the way he did, I probably would feel the same way. Who he is drawn to isn’t self hate. It becomes self hate when he starts saying derogatory things about his own race. Whether he does it to fit in or because he just doesn’t know any better, there is no good reason to talk down on the skin you’re in. If a man isn’t attracted to me, he isn’t. That’s preference, and I can live with it.
So here’s the line between the two.
Preference can include skin tone. Some people are superficial or easily influenced enough to let something as small as complexion decide who they find attractive. It’s shallow, and those are exactly the people I keep my distance from, but it’s their right to want what they want.
Hate looks different. It’s the person who wants to change what they are. In their own eyes they are lighter than they really are. They use “dark” to make someone feel less than, and they refuse to see the beauty in anyone with deep ebony skin.
You can walk away from the first kind of person. The second kind needs prayer.
I just want to know why is it only self hate when it’s black men. Why is it not self hate when it comes to black women falling all over themselves trying to get a white man and bashing black men to justify it. Black society is quick to judge (insert rapper or athlete name here) if he says he prefers light skinned black women or white women, but female coon-medians like Leslie Jones who has basically made a career out of throwing themselves at white men get a pass?