Forgiveness Is For You – blogged by @niksofly

I would be lying if I said that forgiveness is easy.  The truth of the matter is, it is not. It’s an on going process- a lengthy one at that. You have to look at yourself and know that you are bigger than the situation and offense. Foolishly, I once convinced myself that because I did not hold a grudge, I had forgiven those that transgressed against me, but a deeper excavation revealed I had been lying to myself. I began believing my own poker face, a by –product of being prideful. Pride is that double edge sword no one tells you enough about.

Pride coupled with uncertainty stitched my mouth shut the fall semester of my freshman year in college.  I remember walking out of the apartment not knowing how to feel. I had just been violated.  Clad in the sheath of shame, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to tell my brother because I knew that would be an attempted murder charge brewing. Tell my parents? That wasn’t a safe option either. I was ignorant to sexual crimes so the police didn’t seem like a really good choice.  How would I explain to police that I was “almost raped”.  Was that even a legit offense?  I would have to recall my experience- an option that I wasn’t mentally able to exercise. I did what I do best when I experience unfortunate things- lace up my big girl boots and deal with it. I went home, bathed and continued as if the sexual assault never took place.  For years I held onto pain.  I didn’t want to talk about it, him or sex for that matter. It wasn’t until I experienced something else that forced me to attend therapy  that I truly forgave him. Do I forget it?  I can’t. It’s etched in my memory, but I keep it filed away.

While I may not hold a grudge, I held onto the pain and that is just as deadly as holding a grudge. I don’t have a bitter bone in my body. I’ve tried holding on to resentment and disdain. That nearly ruined my life. I couldn’t be the real me because I had to focus intently on being angry.  That literally made me sick. You can eat as healthy as you want; exercise everyday of the week, but if you massage your heart with seeds of bitterness and malevolence, the aforementioned goes for nought. You will become sick- physically and spiritually. Believe me when I say forgiveness isn’t for the person that offends you, it is for yourself.  If you are waiting on the other person to kneel before you confessing their remorse; begging that you forgive them for all of their poor behavior and actions then continue to stay sleep because that dream will not happen- at least not like that. It’s not a right you have that you may knight the transgressor at your convenience. It is a duty, obligation to yourself that you must do in order to become a better person and step into the promising life ahead of you.

Forgiveness doesn’t free the person of their behavior. It frees you of carrying the pain of the person’s behavior.  It [forgiveness] doesn’t mean that you do not have a right to be hurt. Emotional pain is natural. It simply means that you are freed from its bondage.  The cycle of self-pity and aversion is broken when you forgive.  Do people do things that warrant your disdain towards them? Yes, but not forgiving this person isn’t going to change him/her.  On one end of the spectrum, the individual may not know that you are offended or hurt; and on the other end, if they do know, you being upset doesn’t matter because if it did, the offense wouldn’t have occurred in the first place.  You don’t need an apology. You will get over the pain without one. I have.

The apology is not for you. It’s for them. Your freedom from the situation comes when you whole-heartedly forgive the person.  It is an immeasurable weight lifted from your chest.  You flush out the negativity, thus opening yourself for something greater ahead. I realized I have forgiven him when I no longer relived the hurt.

Release your pain. Forgiveness has never been about the offender. It will always be about you.

-Niko Rose.