First Date or Therapy Session? Why Oversharing Kills Attraction

As a female relationship guru, I’ve had my fair share of awkward, exhausting, and outright cringeworthy first dates. The kind where you’re smiling politely while mentally planning your escape route and trying not to make eye contact with the emergency exit sign.

Let me get straight to the point: the first few dates are not the time to dump your emotional baggage on the table like an unzipped suitcase.

I’ve sat across from men who’ve given me their entire psychological history before the appetizers even landed. “My mom’s toxic,” “My dad left when I was five,” “I don’t really believe in love,” and my personal favorite—”I’m actually not that confident.”

Sir, this isn’t a therapy session. And I’m not your therapist.

Yes, we all carry some form of baggage. No one’s expecting perfection. But what we are expecting—and deserve—is discernment. On the first few dates, we’re still figuring out if we even like each other. So why are you throwing your wounds at me before I’ve even had a chance to see your wins?

When someone leads with their trauma or insecurities that early, it doesn’t come across as “real” or “deep”—it comes off as unstable. And if you’re a woman like me who values emotional maturity, that’s an immediate red flag.

Now let’s talk about the opposite of oversharing: overcompensating.

Some men try to mask their insecurities by boasting. “I’m confident, I’m successful, I’m a good man.” Sir, if you have to keep saying it… you probably aren’t. I believe in actions over words. Confidence shows up in how you treat me, how you carry yourself, and how you respect my time and energy—not in how many times you say it.

And ladies, pay attention to the little things. If he lets the door slam in your face on the way into the restaurant, that’s not an accident—it’s a preview. If he’s distracted by the waitress more than engaged in conversation with you, that’s not a one-time slip—it’s a pattern.

These early moments matter. They’re not just casual coffee dates—they’re the lens through which you can often glimpse what life would be like with this person long-term.

So to my fellow women: protect your energy. Don’t feel guilty for not wanting to sit through a monologue about his childhood trauma when you’ve barely had time to learn his middle name. Don’t ignore red flags in the name of being understanding or “giving him a chance.”

Your peace is more important than his need to vent.

And to the men: there will be a time to open up—but you’ve got to earn that space. First dates are for connection, chemistry, and good vibes—not a TED Talk on your personal trauma.

Let’s keep first dates light, respectful, and mutual. Save the soul-bearing for someone who’s earned your trust—not someone trying to decide between the chicken or the steak.