You Aren’t A Single Parent; You Are A Mother That Is Single- blogged by @niksofly

To the mothers that hold it down without the help of your child’s (or children’s father), I salute you. You make the impossible look easy. This is not dedicated to or towards you.  According to all definitions, you are truly a single parent.

I sat on the phone the other day, listening to an associate of mine complain about how she is a single parent.  She kept saying “I”, “I”, “I” as though she had no form of help from the father of her son. She was complaining about paying bills and raising her son by herself when I had to casually remind her that she was not a single parent doing it all by her self.  She was a mother that was single.

 She was no longer with her fiancé, but he has been in every step of their son’s life. From prenatal doctor’s appointments, to the birth and checkups- anything in between, her ex- fiancé is always present. He doesn’t stick to the court order because it limits the time he can spend with their son. He is over there so much sometimes I think he lives at the house.

Ava (generic name used) wants to have this single-parent title because it helps her identify with her social circle, but Ava’s situation is nothing like the others. There is a HUGE difference. Damian (generic name used) pays the mortgage on the house that the she and child live in. He wants to ensure his child has a safe place to call home. Damian also sponsors the utilities and upkeep of the home. He also pays for their son’s health insurance, grade school tuition and after school programs. Anything that Jr. can think of or imagine, Damian covers including Ava’s car and the separate child support he pays. He isn’t a just a check endorser either. I can’t recall a time we have conversed (Damian and I) and Jr. wasn’t with him. He listens to Jr.’s fears and helps him write his dreams. Whenever I call  Ava , Jr. is always doing something or talking with his father.

Knowing the circumstances, it is quite hard for me to fathom Ava as a true single parent.  In my opinion, she is a co parent; and judging by what Damian forks over each month, Ava is a co-dependent.  It’s a spit in the face to single parents that have to grind each and every day rain, sleet, or snow to ensure their children will be taken care of.  If those single parents do not go to work, their child will go without. They cannot pay their children’s fathers to spend time with their children. Those are single parents. The other parent is absent financially, emotionally and physically.

Just because Damian ended it with Ava doesn’t qualify her as a single parent. She isn’t raising her son alone. Damian is there every single day physically, emotionally and financially. He doesn’t allow the courts to dictate when he can be active in his child’s life. The family structure hasn’t changed. No, Damian doesn’t lay under Ava every night, but that doesn’t discredit the presence he has in his son’s life. I know a young woman who father lived with her the entire span of her life, yet he wasn’t physically present in her life. There is a difference in being there and being present.

If a child’s parent is active in his or her life, do not be disrespectful and say you are a single parent. You do not have to be in a relationship to raise a child.

-Niko Rose