If your child tells you they are being bullied at school, what you do in the next few days can decide whether it stops. Parents everywhere are asking that question after Javits Frimpong, a 15 year old who moved to the Bronx from Ghana a year ago, was shot and killed on his way to school Thursday. His father says Javits had reported a student who bullied him at lunch, and the school suspended two boys who fought with him just three days before he died. Police have not linked the bullying to the shooting.
Believe them and get the details. Kids often wait weeks before saying anything, and many downplay it because they are embarrassed or afraid it will get worse. Stay calm, thank them for telling you and ask specific questions: who is doing it, what happened, when and where, who else saw it, and whether it is happening online too. Do not tell them to ignore it or fight back. Fighting back can get your child suspended right along with the bully.
Write everything down. Keep a running log with dates, times, names, places and what was said or done. Screenshot texts, DMs, comments and posts before they disappear, and photograph any injuries or damaged belongings. A written record turns “my son is getting picked on” into a pattern the school has to take seriously.
Report it to the school in writing. Tell the teacher, counselor or principal, then follow up with an email so there is a dated paper trail. In New York City public schools, every school has a Respect for All liaison, a staff member whose job is to handle bullying complaints. The city’s anti bullying rule, Chancellor’s Regulation A-832, covers bullying, harassment and intimidation between students on school grounds, on school buses and at school events. Once a complaint is made, the school has to investigate and log it in the city’s reporting system. The rule also protects students and parents who report bullying from retaliation. Outside New York, ask the school for a copy of its bullying policy, which spells out who investigates and how.
Ask what happens next. Find out who is investigating, how long it will take and what the school will do to keep your child safe in the meantime. Ask about specific steps, like a different lunch period, a new seat, a staff member checking in, or a safe person your child can go to during the day. In New York City, the school has to tell you the outcome of the investigation.
Go over the school’s head if nothing changes. If the school does not respond or the bullying keeps going, escalate. New York City parents can file a complaint through the Department of Education’s Respect for All page, email [email protected], call 311 or the bullying support line at 718.935.2288, or contact the district superintendent’s office. New York’s Dignity for All Students Act also lets families take complaints to the state. If your child has been the target of two or more confirmed incidents in the same school year, you can request a safety transfer to another school.
Call the police when it becomes a threat. If your child is threatened with violence, sees a weapon, is assaulted or is being followed outside school, it is no longer just a school matter. Report it to police and keep the school informed. Threats made online count too.
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Watch for the signs they are not telling you about. Many kids never say a word. Warning signs include not wanting to go to school, frequent stomachaches or headaches, lost or damaged belongings, unexplained injuries, trouble sleeping, changes in eating, slipping grades, pulling away from friends and getting upset after being online. A child who suddenly takes a new route to school or comes home starving may be avoiding a hallway, a bus or the lunchroom.
Look after their mental health. Bullying can lead to anxiety and depression, and kids who are bullied over a long stretch are more likely to struggle long after it ends. A counselor or therapist can help. If your child talks about hurting themselves, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
